by Jaime Ee

I'M not happy. And it seems, neither are Nigerians, because they scored highly on a happiness index not recognised by the Gallup Organisation.

According to the results of a global survey done by Gallup and presented at this week's World Cities Summit, people in richer countries are happier than people in poorer ones. And they added that, in their surveys, 'cases of higher well-being in poorer countries didn't show up'. Hmm. Maybe they were busy tilling the land?

I'm not happy because, all this while, I believed in the adage that money does not buy happiness. I believed it because I could not believe that one can be rich enough to buy a 20-carat diamond or a Lamborghini at will, and be truly happy with their lives. I believed in a theory of equilibrium that if one owns a 20-carat diamond, one must also have a 20-carat-sized disgusting wart in an area difficult to disguise with make-up and dangerous to surgically remove. Hence, one must always wear customised clothes or give strict instructions to one's employees to show no emotion should they accidentally glance in the wart's direction.

I also believed that if one can afford the aforementioned Lamborghini, then by the same theory, the amount of money one has in one's bank account must be inversely proportionate to the hair on one's head. And it must be a condition that is impervious to any kind of trichological treatment or transplant. In other words, if you drive a Lamborghini and possess chiselled features, a full head of hair, a beautiful family and a heart of gold, I will hate you.

Hence, I welcomed surveys that said people in poorer countries were happier than those in developed ones. Like the one that said Nigerians were the happiest people in the world. It just made sense that when you don't have to worry about whether you are getting the best deal from your telco or how much higher fuel prices can go since your cow runs on methane, you would be happy. And I was happy for them to be happy because frankly, I have no desire to own a cow.

Point is, like all surveys, results are open to interpretation. Apparently, those polled were asked to comment on their experiences, including whether they were treated with respect, did something interesting or smiled and laughed a lot the day before the interview. Hence, I decided to poll the Lambo owner, diamond owner and cow owner, to test the accuracy of this index.

Q: Are you treated with respect?

Lambo owner: Oh yes, especially in hotel driveways.

Diamond owner: Oh yes, especially in luxury boutiques.

Cow owner: Oh yes, my cow worships me.

Q: Did you do something interesting?

Lambo owner: Yes, I took my car on a spin round a race track.

Diamond owner: Yes, I had my diamond re-inspected.

Cow owner: Yes, my cow and I went on a very interesting walk.

Q: Did you smile and laugh a lot the day before the interview?

All three nod because the survey-taker has no means of proving otherwise.

But even with these answers, the cow owner was not considered to be of higher well-being. Why? His cow bit the survey-taker.

This article was first published in The Business Times on June 27, 2008.