Kenny Toh is a life coach and founder of The Coaching Academy and International Network for Parents as Coaches. For details, visit www.coachingacademy.com.sg and www.parentsascoaches.net
Q My son has been going to a nursery class since the beginning of this year, together with his elder sister who is in Kindergarten1. Initially, he would cling to his sister and refuse to socialise with his own classmates.
Things improved slightly after the initial three months, but he would just sit and watch, and was not willing to participate in any class activities, even though they may be those he enjoys doing at home (for example, painting). At times, he sat in a corner by himself.
This situation continued for the remaining three months until school ended last month. The teacher said that my son was very quiet in school.
When spoken to, he would respond only by nodding or shaking his head. I cannot understand why he is like this in school when he behaves normally at home, just like any other child his age.
Although the teacher mentioned that some children need time to adapt to a new environment, I feel that six months is too long and he is still not participating in his class activities.
Is there any way I can help him to integrate into school life? Is he simply shy or is he socially phobic? I am lost and upset about my son's behavioural problem in school.
A Based on your description, your son's behaviour at nursery appears to be what's expected of any normal child of his age.
It is not unusual for a young child to take time to get comfortable in a new environment, to prefer to play by himself, to watch and observe others, and to daydream. Those are patterns of behaviour exhibited by most young children at a certain stage of their development and growth.
While you might wish to see him get comfortable in the nursery more quickly or participate in the activities more readily, it is also important that you acknowledge his unique pace of development.
By recognising that every child is different and matures at a different rate, I hope you will begin to see his behaviour from a new perspective. What you previously considered as 'behavioural problems' is simply actual behaviour that does not meet your expectations of what a child his age 'should' display.
For example, consider the possibility that he is neither 'shy' nor 'socially phobic', but simply prefers to observe than to join the other children in his class at this point of time. Perhaps the former is more fun or comfortable than the latter.
Your child's behaviour is merely an external manifestation of his inner world. Only by understanding his thoughts and emotions can you appreciate his behaviour and gain some insights into how to bring about the changes you wish to see.
You might want to get into his world and understand how he is feeling at the nursery. What does he think about when he daydreams, what activities does he like most, what does he dislike, what does he think of his teachers and friends, and what would be fun enough for him to participate in? Does he enjoy being at the nursery at all?
Bear in mind that a young child seldom gives you direct answers.
Depending on your relationship with him, it might require some patience to get him to express his feelings and thoughts to you openly. Pre-bedtime is usually a good time to connect with young children.
Lastly, share what you have uncovered about your child with his teachers, and seek their assistance in addressing any barrier that might have been preventing him from behaving in a manner consistent with what he does at home.
As educators and caregivers, teachers play an important role in creating a safe, fun and engaging environment that will encourage your son to express himself more freely.
