By Benson Ang

BOTH her parents killed themselves. Why? She will never know.

When she was 7, her mother died from an overdose of medicine.

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Three years ago, when she was 45, her father jumped to his death from his home.

She is a suicide survivor - someone who has been left behind after a suicide by a family member.

Wanting to be known only as Ms Yin, the homemaker wrote a book about her experience published last year titled Why? When Both My Parents Took Their Lives.

Photo: Samaritans of Singapore

Published with the support of a donor, the book is the first written by a Singaporean that deals with suicide bereavement.

According to the annual report of the Samaritans of Singapore 2008/2009, there were no local publications on suicide bereavement before this.

Ms Yin related how she was driving when she got the devastating news that her father, in his 80s, had jumped from a window in her elder brother's flat.

She said in her book: "My heart was racing and I was paralysed with fear. I remember screaming and crying into the phone, "Why? How could this have happened?'"

When she later saw her father in a casket, she burst into tears - of sorrow, regret and remorse.

Even after the funeral, she could not get over her grief. She could not sleep and lost 3kg in two months.

She repeatedly questioned if she could have taken better care of her father, so that he wouldn't have taken his own life.

There were endless ruminations of "should have", "could have" and "if only".

One relative even blamed her for her father's death, accusing her of not taking care of him.

At home, she felt she had to put on a brave front for her husband and three daughters, now aged 21, 19 and 17.

But inside, Ms Yin was angry with her siblings, herself, the doctor and the maid who was supposed to take care of her father.

She was even upset with her father for leaving her with the pain of losing him in such an unbearable way.

The shame of having two suicides in her family made her keep them a secret. Only a few close friends knew of the suicides.

Ms Yin found herself crying every day.

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