PENANCE and punishment are regular themes in relationships, if mine is anything to go by.
Which isn't to say that my relationship is in a terrible state.
It's actually rare that these two bedfellows show up, ready to do their worst.
But, really, one visit from the not-so-sweet pair is already one visit too many.
I happen to be dating someone who, unknowingly or not, wants to punish me when things go wrong.
When he is hurting from something I have done, he wants to hurt me back, making sure that I also ache from whatever transgression I have committed.
The reason he does this is not out of cruelty, though it can easily be construed as a cruel act.
Rather, he has been cut open to the core, and has been left bleeding and vulnerable. It's hard to remember that when I'm reeling from the shock of being chastised, but there you have it.
The last time this happened, I had embarassed him in front of some old friends, making a thoughtless remark regarding his ability to hold his liquor that he simply did not appreciate.
And previously, upon meeting an uncle and an aunt of his, I had made a disparaging remark on his skills as a horseman.
These things sound silly to me, but what I had put out in jest, he took as needless whippings to his ego.
And for him, they were slights that meant I could not be trusted to watch my tongue.
And worse, that I could not be trusted with knowledge of his faults - whatever they may be.
The result was that we fought rather bitterly. When angry, I amreduced to tears of frustration.
Funnily enough, this seems to satisfy his need for vengeance. My partner is by no means an unreasonable or cruel person. But, like any human being, he is fallible.
And he is most so on this point - wanting to punish. Once penance is paid, often through tears - for apologies are never enough for him - then, and only then, does he feel that justice has been served and normalcy can resume. (What can I say - he's a man with a man's ego. Sigh.)
You may ask: How do I live with it?
I do the only thing that comes to my mind - I acknowledge my wrongdoing, the grief it has caused, and ask him, humbly, for a second chance.
Because the truth is that it is only when one acknowledges one's responsibility that communication can take place. This is particularly so when a party has been hurt.
Some call this "unreasonable responsibility" but, hey, it works.
What I have come to realise is that it is not a question of right or wrong when it comes to points of contention between a couple. It's a question of where your commitment lies. Is it to being right, or to the relationship?
When a person feels wronged, whether it is logical or not, no amount of fighting can convince them that you are right. You can only ask for a second chance.
I feel grateful that I'm with someone who will give me that second chance time and time again. And he, I know, feels lucky that he has found the same in me.
The best relationships are built - says a very good friend of mine, who is an expert in the art of fighting with partners - when you are given a thousand chances, knowing that when the time comes, it will be your turn to give a few chances back to him.
