I AM 34 years old and my husband is 41. We have been married since I was 19, and we have three kids who are all going to school. Things are not as good now as when we were newly married.

For the first two years of our marriage, my husband, my oldest son and I stayed in Kuala Lumpur. We were happy then.

Things changed when my in-laws persuaded my husband to move back to his hometown and live with them. The household includes my husband's four sisters, one brother-in-law and his parents.

In the years since, we had two more children, a daughter and son, respectively.

Since my in-laws are my immediate neighbours, I have not had any freedom to do anything for my kids.

There was a time when I couldn't control my feelings and I scolded my sister-in-law because she got very involved with my eldest son. But they have been taking my oldest son from me so often since then that I no longer bother to object.

Meanwhile, my husband doesn't bother to do anything when I complain about them. My second child is now eight and now they are turning her against me, too. They (my sister-in-laws) always tell my kids that I am a bad mother and that they should not listen to me.

When I brought up this matter with my husband, he just ignored it because we did not have to pay rent.

My in-laws even make sure that they are there for my kids' birthdays or my husband's birthday parties every year, and I cook for all of them. When it comes to my birthday, they "forget".

My own mother and brothers live in KL and I get to travel there once every three or four months. Therefore, I don't have anyone to share my problems with most of the time.

I am beginning to hate my husband because he keeps being close to my in-laws even when he knows how much they have hurt me. He spends most of his time with them when I'm home.

Luckily, for the past two years, I have been holding a part-time job and so have not so much time to feel hurt at home.

I have begun to hate seeing my husband because he always shouts at me or scolds me over tiny matters in front of my kids or in front of my in-laws. I have told him many times to talk softly and not scream but he says if he talks softly, his message will not get through thick heads.

I feel I should be here only for my kids. Now that my second child is also influenced by my in-laws, only my younger son is always there to support me, even if he is just seven. I know that he loves me very much.

There are times when I feel so lonely with no one to talk to. Then one day, I started chatting on the Internet and got to know a guy from abroad.

We started off as just good friends and I didn't tell him that I was married because I was afraid of losing his friendship.

Then, recently, he told me that he was in love with me. I didn't want to believe everything he said, partly because I was already facing too many problems and did not want to make things worse.

Therefore, I told him the truth about my status. But, as time went by, I agreed with his love for me. He still loves me even when he knows that I'm married. We then started talking about getting married in the future.

My husband and I are not on good terms because I told him that I couldn't pretend to love him when I don't. I've been sleeping alone for some time.

Now my new friend and I are planning to get married in two years but I feel things would be better for me if it were five years instead. It's because I'm now worrying about my youngest son.

If I agree to marry my boyfriend, I also have to agree to his conditions - that I leave Malaysia and forget about everything here, including my kids. But I can't live without my younger son.

I'm sure my husband won't allow me to leave him easily because he is the old-fashioned type who would rather stay with me, even if he is not happy.

I can't love my husband now. He gets angry quickly and shouts so I can't talk to him about anything. If I had known he was so hot tempered before marriage, I wouldn't have married him.

I can't speak with my husband about anything because he always decides everything for me. He's been there for me since I was 19 so it's like he controls me.

Fed up

CLEAR your mind and be more rational about your problems. Otherwise, life will become a twisted dilemma you can't resolve.

Why are you so unhappy with your husband? Since moving to stay close to the in-laws, you feel that your husband no longer supports you. He shouts and yells, and has fits of temper and bad moods.

You hate your in-laws whom you feel are interfering with your children and daily life. You also feel insulted that they seem to ignore you. You feel lonely and alone for you miss your own family.

Finally, you justified an affair because of the misery you blamed on your husband.

But if you could be more objective, perhaps your husband is not happy either. He has a disgruntled wife who is always complaining about his family.

He, too, is in a difficult situation, trying his best to be filial and loyal, as well as cope with you and the children the best way he can.

He probably senses you are not the same person he married, especially since you stopped sleeping with him. When your heart is with another, your husband must sense it.

Yet you know that he will choose not to divorce you for the sake of the children. And perhaps he truly loves you still.

Do not just think of yourself. Sure, your husband should be more understanding and supportive of your feelings.

But have you tried to be nicer to his family? If you could live with them harmoniously, your children actually could enjoy the love and care of an extended family. You would have willing, loving baby-sitters while you work.

If you could love them more, maybe they will be happy to remember and celebrate your birthdays. Who would want to take the lead to be nice if you do not show that you care or appreciate them?

A younger, Internet lover is not your best option. You hardly know this guy. It is all too easy to find reasons and excuses for straying. When you are miserable, you tend to blame everyone else but yourself.

But are you truly blameless? Your children need you. Your husband still cares even though he seems distant, angry and mean. Perhaps he is frustrated and afraid because he can't reach you, emotionally and physically.

Take time out. Visit your mother, talk to her to relieve your stress and share your hurt and pain.

When you feel better, plan a holiday with your husband. Make love, initiate romance and passion. Talk to him, tell him your feelings.

But be sensitive and gentle. Men need to be cajoled, pampered sometimes. Screaming demands, yelling blame and nagging will only turn him off. Know your man so that you can get your way.

Remember always that marriage is between two people. It will only break up if one or both of you give up.

And your children can never be taken away from you. Regardless of how close the relatives may seem, your kids will always turn to you for love, help and guidance.

Follow your own heart and protect your loved ones. Running away is selfish and cowardly.