IN A private ceremony yesterday, Malaysian Prime Minister Abdullah Badawi married Jeanne Abdullah, 20 months after his first wife died.

Datuk Seri Abdullah and Datin Seri Endon Mahmood had been married for 42 years when she succumbed to breast cancer in October 2005 at the age of 64. His new bride, divorcee Jeanne Abdullah nee Danker, 53, was the former wife of Datin Endon's brother.

The relatively quick remarriage has led some quarters to wonder if it was 'too soon'.

As if anticipating this when he announced his marriage plans last Wednesday in Kuala Lumpur, the 67-year-old prime minister made it clear: 'My love for Endon remains strong, still as strong as ever, but I am falling in love with this one. I believe God has created in your heart many people whom you can love.'

Studies have suggested that when it comes to remarriage after a spouse dies, widowers tend to get hitched more quickly than widows.

A 1998 American study concluded that men were about five times more likely than women to remarry following the death of a spouse.

Department of Statistics figures here show that there were 313 marriages by widowers and 232 by widows in 2005. There were more marriages by widowers even though there are more widows as women tend to live longer.

According to the Singapore Census Of Population 2000, widows made up 8.4 per cent of Singaporeans aged 15 or older, while widowers made up 1.8 per cent of the same population segment. The census also showed that there were 18,379 single men aged 50 and above and 21,617 single women aged 50 and above in 2000.

Some family experts are not surprised by the findings. Associate Professor Paulin Straughan of the National University of Singapore's sociology department says: 'It is just harder for women who are divorcees and widows to get a second chance.'

While 'it is socially acceptable for older men to marry younger women, there's still a stigma attached to women marrying younger men, so the available pool of potential partners is much smaller for widows'.

She adds: 'It's hard for a 50-year-old widow who no longer has tight skin and great physical assets because men tend to look for that.'

Ms Li Shu Chen, executive director of the MacPherson Moral Family Service Centre, has also observed that widowers tend to get remarried faster.

'In our society, it is still generally considered the woman's duty to care for the children and this could be part of a widower's consideration when he has kids,' she says.

But marriage counsellor Benny Bong from consulting and training agency FamilyWorks cautions against rushing into remarriage in such a case.

This is because 'the children will now have to deal with coping with the loss of their mother and also with the entry of a new person in their lives', he says.

Prof Straughan further describes the gender specific division of labour as such - men tend to be the breadwinners and leave the management of the domestic realm to their wives.

When the wife dies, it is 'very difficult for the man when he has to do everything for himself, and doesn't know where everything is', she says.

However, Mr David Kan, co-founder of Family Life Centre and a marriage therapist, says that while it is not uncommon for remarriages, after a death of a spouse or divorce, to take place within one to two years, 'it is not noticeable that men remarry faster'.

He feels that there are many factors that come into play, including the individual's need for companionship, whether loved ones approve of the new relationship and, if there are children, whether there is resistance from them.

'It's not a matter of the speed in retying the knot but more about the connection and chemistry they experience,' he notes.

How soon is too soon then?

Back in the 1930s, University of Pennsylvania sociologist Ray H. Abrams identified a timeframe of 21/2 years on average between the death of the first wife and the second marriage based on data from the reference tome Who's Who In America.

Ms Li feels that it is really up to the individuals. Her advice though is for couples to enrol in a marriage preparation programme.

'Communication in a remarriage family can be quite challenging in the beginning, especially if both sides' families have children,' she says.

Mr Bong says that 'most communities would frown upon any remarriage that takes place less than a year after losing one's spouse'.

He adds that 'on average, it takes up to two years to get over the pain of losing someone close to you'.

A 10-step guide to marrying a widower on the website IDoTakeTwo.com advises the new bride to 'accept that your marriage will be one of three hearts'.

Last week, Datuk Seri Abdullah revealed that photographs of Datuk Seri Endon are still displayed in the house.

Then he went on to say that Madam Jeanne could add her photos if she wished to.

bchan@sph.com.sg

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