By Anthony Yeo

The recent discussion over Singapore's birth rate and proposals for encouraging couples to have more children received rather mixed reactions.

Those who hesitate to get married or have more children tend to weigh the cost of stress in their lives if they were to do so.

They must have seen the hassle parents experience in bringing up children in today's stressful society.

Parents tend to express concern over child care, children's education and how to nurture them to be responsible, law-abiding people. This can sometimes turn into undue anxiety as they are constantly reminded that if their children do not succeed in life, they will be in for hard times.

To some extent, one wonders if this fear is not preventing people from marrying and, if married, from having more children.

Perhaps what would be helpful is to be prepared for parenting and be equipped with ideas for managing children without undue stress.

For a start, couples need to ascertain that they want children because they love life and have a desire to give life. Children are not economic digits and should be brought into this world to be loved for who they are, rather than what they can be or do.

Care should be taken when deciding how children, especially those below six years old, would be cared for - preferably by either parent.

Children need an education and it may be wise to send them to a school that emphasises less on high-level performance. School should be an amenable experience, not an arduous, intimidating journey in a child's life.

Parents would do well to know their children, discovering their inclination, abilities and interests. Discovery must precede development.

Unfortunately many parents have sought to develop their children before discovering what their kids are capable of doing by sending them to all kinds of enrichment programmes. Coupled with the demands of tuition and parent-imposed assignments, these children become stressed and many of them suffer from a lack of sleep.

It is also to be expected that children will naturally misbehave or defy instructions and rules. Instead of labelling them as naughty, rebellious or deviant, would it not be helpful to expect such behaviour, embrace their actions as a natural process of development and seek to understand rather than to punish?

This is especially relevant when children reach adolescence. There will be changes at this stage of their lives and, as parents, it would help to be prepared when they challenge expectations of them.

Above all, children should bond with their parents and others in the family. This may include spending time engaging in conversations not related to work.

It is important that relationships are strengthened when children do not turn out to be what their parents expect of them. It is even more important that parents pay attention to children with special needs and disabilities as well as those with difficult behaviour. Regardless of the difficulty in coping with such children, they should be accepted for who they are.

We must acknowledge that parenting can be stressful. It may not be wise to rush into having children because of the perks it offers. Becoming a parent can be easy. Being a parent is something else.

This article was first published in The Straits Times on Aug 3, 2008.