By Karen Wong

WHEN her Primary 1 son came home with 92 marks for Maths, she slapped him. All because he had made a mistake she thought he shouldn't have made.

Almost every day, at that time, Madam Iris Sim would hit her eldest child, she said, shaking her head as she recalled her behaviour then.

'I've a bad temper and I had high expectations of him,' she told The New Paper.

It did not help that she was cooped up at home most of the day. Apart from housework, she was also looking after her daughter, who is two years younger than her son.

Madam Iris Sim's husband, who helps run the family's provision shop business, worked long hours.

She said: 'I guess I was frustrated.'

The frequent scolding, slapping and caning continued till her son went to Primary 4. That was when he grew defiant, argued with her and even fought back.

At the most tenuous point in the mother-and-son relationship, the boy smashed a chair in retaliation.

One day, she almost called the police in to 'scare' her boy but her husband persuaded her not to do so, and advised her to seek counselling instead.

At her wit's end, Madam Sim, 38, wrote to his son's form teacher at Hougang Primary School, Mr Freddie Tan, 31, and told him about her son's problems.

She recalled: 'I pointed my finger at my son, and said he was rebellious. I wanted his teacher to talk to him.'

But that e-mail to Mr Tan in 2004 led to a chain of events that proved to be a turning point for her and her son.

After speaking to the boy, Mr Tan then approached Madam Sim and asked her to be a parent volunteer in the school's outdoor adventure club.

He said: 'We were looking for parent volunteers and I was in touch with her as she was very concerned about her son's education at that time. So, I asked her if she was interested to help out.'

He added that he had also hoped that by asking Madam Sim to come to the school, she would see what education was all about and have a different perspective. (See other report.)

At that time, the school was organising a trip to Kota Kinabalu and he asked Madam Sim if she wanted to go.

She said: 'I've always wanted to do it, but never had a chance.'

At that time, she said, she was about 10kg overweight.

'When I asked my husband if I could go on the trip, he agreed to pay, but commented that I would be like a hippo climbing a mountain.'

She was determined to prove him wrong. So, she started to train. She climbed stairs, went jogging and lost weight.

On that climb, she said, she and the two students she was in charge of, were the only ones who managed to reach the summit.

But more than gaining a great sense of achievement, she said, she learnt from the teachers and other parents how to communicate with children and started to change the way in which she spoke to her kids.

She said: 'I began to talk to my children and listen to them. Before, they would have no say in anything. Now, I'll ask them for their opinion. I believe that every one likes to be talked to nicely.

More self-control

'I also 'tamed' myself, exercising self-control.'

The now tanned and slim woman - she is about 149cm tall and weighs about 41kg - said that the Kota Kinabalu expedition also gave her a new sense of direction.

'I started going for kickboxing classes and slimmed down. I also took fitness and aerobics instructor courses run by the Singapore Sports Council.'

She is currently a freelance aerobics instructor and personal trainer.

But what is most rewarding is that her relationship with her son, who is now in Secondary 1, has improved greatly.

They were even on the same expedition to Mount Ophir, when he was in Primary 5.

He had a newfound respect for his mother and even asked her for survival and fitness tips.

With a smile, Madam Sim said: 'Our relationship has improved a lot. Before, it was just built on academics and homework.

'We've since decided that I wouldn't interfere with his studies unless he runs into trouble.'

She added: 'The school's outdoor adventure club and its teachers have made a difference to my life. Also, by volunteering, I have gained more than what I've given.'

That is why, she said, she is willing to share her parenting experience.

Madam Sim's advice to parents would be this: 'Don't be too 'kiasu'. Leave your children to grow on their own. They may have their limits.

'Work on their strengths instead of forcing them to be all-rounders. You just have to guide them along.'

This article was first published in The New Paper on 9 Oct, 2008..