By Candice Cai

Although he emerged as the top O-level student from Kaki Bukit Prison School as a private candidate, Benny Tan's* first response when asked how he felt about his results was a surprising: "Okay. Not very happy."

His disappointment stemmed from the fact that he had expected to do better in Maths and Principles of Accounting, his favourite subjects, both of which he scored A2. He scored A1s for his other subjects - A Maths, Science and Chinese - and still managed a B3 in his weakest subject, English.

Benny, 36, is one out of the 127 registered candidates at the prison school who collected their O-level results yesterday.

Mother's tears turned his life around

Benny had not always been the ideal student back in his younger days.

His troubled past began in Secondary 2 when he fell into bad company and under his friends' influence, often played truant.

He eventually dropped out of school in Secondary 3, and began dabbling in drugs out of curiosity.

From the time he was 18, things got progressively worse as his life spiralled out of control. Benny has been put behind bars at least three times in total for drug-related offences.

His last arrest in his 20s landed him in jail for 13 years. Now, at 36, he says he regrets his actions, and that the "tears of his mother" was what motivated him to turn his life around.

"(I made my mother) shed tears her whole life," he said remorsefully.

"When I was high on drugs, she feared I would overdose, or when CNB (Central Narcotics Bureau) or CID (Criminal Investigation Department) came and knocked on our door, she would cry.

"Each time I was sentenced to prison, she would cry too."

He last saw his mother cry six years ago after he got into a fight with a fellow inmate.

As punishment, he was put into solitary confinement for six months.

She had visited him then, crying. Her tears filled him with guilt and made him rethink the path that he was taking: He wanted to do something not only for his mother, but for himself.

To him, those six months in solitary confinement were unbearable, but it forced him to re-evaluate his life.

He says he is "tired" of prison life, telling AsiaOne: "13 years is a long time. It really was a big blow. I don't want to come back to prison anymore."

"I don't want to end up here again"

Benny also realised the value of an education. Two years ago, he applied and got transferred to Kaki Bukit Prison School, where he took his N-level exams in 2007, obtaining good results of 5 A1s.

As a school dropout, he said a Secondary 3 education will get him "nowhere" and will not land him a job with good prospects.

He knows that if he does not upgrade his qualifications, he may be tempted to go back to his old ways when he is released.

Candidly, he admits: "Even though I may earn more, I don't want to go back to my old ways. I don't want to end up here again."

Asked what was the hardest part about staying in Kaki Bukit Prison School, he says it's thinking about life outside.

"If you keep thinking about the outside world, time will pass very slowly." Adapting to the system and following the rules helps. After being in prison for so long, he says he is now "used to it".

As for his plans for the future upon his release, he says, "If finances allow, I hope to eventually get a diploma from the Singapore Institute of Management (SIM) in business."

His long-term goal is to be able to open a small business, but he is not sure what kind of business yet. "If not, I can also work for others." he says.

"Studying has given me another option in life, so I can upgrade myself, and get a decent job at least."

So motivated was he to better his life, that for the past one year, he told himself to concentrate fully for the O levels and pull through the year. He did not want to "lose time" by indulging in other activities or playing recreational games with the other inmates.

Asked how he has changed since his incarceration, he says, "I've learnt not to just think for myself, but also my family. Now I recognise that whatever I choose to do, there will be consequences, not only for myself but for my family."

Ultimately, it's his parents he feels he has let down the most. He feels bad about the long journey and waiting time that his parents, both in their 50s, have had to endure in order to visit him all these years, just to see him for 20 minutes each time.

However, it seems his efforts have paid off. Due to be released in three weeks, Benny may finally get a chance to repay his parents for their kindness and support.

*not his real name

>> Read also: How do Kaki Bukit Prison School students do it?