By Cathy S. Babao-Guballa
Philippine Daily Inquirer

ALL THIS sex, lies, and videotapes hogging the news were enough to get parents like me paranoid about the values or attitudes we teach our children about healthy sexuality.

But how does one prevent a child from becoming a pervert, and how does one protect a child from being victimized by perverts?

Although there is no fool-proof way, I guess it all begins with education, at the right time and the right place, and discussing these issues in the context of love, marriage and respect for one's body and the opposite sex.

Discussions such as these best take place before a son or daughter enters puberty. I remember reading a book during those highly confusing early teenage years titled "Why Am I So Miserable If These Are The Best Years of My Life?" by Andrea Boroff Eagan. It was the classic on puberty in the '80s and a survival handbook for young girls like me back then.

Quick survey

Today, there are countless books and websites to help parents discuss puberty and sexuality with their adolescents. I did a quick survey over the weekend among parents and a group of 17- and 18-year-old men and women. Some of the important points I discovered:

1. Many mothers (and fathers) from upper- and middle-class families remain ill-equipped or feel awkward discussing the issues of puberty with their children. Some progressive mothers and fathers take the lead in discussing boy-girl relationships, physical and emotional changes, in a casual manner which the children seemed to appreciate.

2. Most of the young people I surveyed (seven out of 10) prefer discussions on "sex and all that" with their parents, but suggested that for the talks to be smooth, "Parents must have a close relationship with the child before talking about these topics, otherwise it will be very awkward." The young men and women also prefer that parents be open to their questions and not be judgmental. It's also important to them that the discussion be in private, out of earshot of younger siblings.

3. Situations such as a pet dog or cat giving birth, meeting a single mother or father, watching a movie together where relationship issues are tackled, or even the latest on the Kho-Belo-Halili scandal can provide learning moments. The other night, while my husband, 18-year-old daughter and I were discussing the prospect of Hayden Kho losing his medical license, our 10-year-old cut in, "Are you supposed to be discussing this in front of me?!" We all laughed and told him that yes, he was old enough to hear what we had to say about the issues. Of course, we left out the gory details.

Reading supplements

4. Conversations about puberty and sex are best supplemented by books-"The Care and Keeping of You-The Body Book for Girls" and "The Feelings Book-The Care and Keeping of Your Emotions" published by the American Girl library. "The Pink Locker Society" (http://pinklockersociety.org/) is a new novel and website for tween girls that provides puberty information within a fictional storyline and plot. Pink Locker, part of the excellent children's website www.kidshealth.org, was recently launched to help young girls understand their bodies and emotions better. The same website has a wealth of information, written both for children and parents.

For young boys, one of the best books available is "Where Did I Come From?" by Peter Mayle (yes, the famous Peter Mayle). It is a book that can be read even by a nine-year-old. Mayle has a gift for translating adult experiences into concepts a child can understand. You must be open-minded though and ready to answer your son or daughter's questions about some topics in the book.

5. Sharing stories about puberty is better appreciated by girls than boys. The girls I surveyed said that as long as their mothers were comfortable, they loved hearing stories about how they were at that age. The boys find those stories from their parents "weird." They don't want gory details because they might feel embarrassed for their parents.

Many parents are unfortunately still of the mind-set that "if you don't talk about it, it won't happen." Look at your own attitudes about sexuality and be careful about what you say and do, because these send signals to your children. Role-modeling and setting limits are important when discussing issues such as puberty, sex, love and marriage. Your family's standards and values system must be made clear to the child.

Respect for one's body, knowing risky behavior and avoiding it are values that must be firmly set in his or her psyche.