KAKA. Great footballer, religious, clean-living, all-round bloody nice fella. Surname means 'poo' in Italian.

Craig Bellamy. Alright footballer, prone to getting into arguments with pretty much everyone. Surname comes from the French for 'fine friend'.

What's in a name, eh?

'If we don't get Kaka it is not the end of the world, we got Craig Bellamy,' Manchester City chief executive Gary Cook said earlier this week.

Hmm, Craig Bellamy. The anti-Kaka. Instead of a tall, handsome man, loyal to the club who gave him his big chance, City have got a short weaselly bloke, who throws chairs and golf clubs around and then clears off. He's been through eight clubs and counting (football clubs, not nine-irons).

Meanwhile, the Brazilian City already have in the bag, Robinho, is rubbing it in by doing what Brazilians do (Brazilians who aren't Kaka) - visiting his family back in Brazil. (Brazilian footballers' families are often sociable sorts who spend a lot of time hanging round Rio nightclubs).

Well, well. Not only can money not buy you love, it doesn't get you loyalty or world-class footballers either. I like to imagine City owner Sheikh Mansour with a crazed look in his eye, cackling as he sets fire to a huge pile of green money, like the Joker in the last Batman film.

Maybe it will all end with him walking away from Eastlands, twitching crazily with excitement as he detonates a heap of explosives under the City of Manchester Stadium. Then Kaka will swoop down in a bat cape and deliver him to Greater Manchester police. And all will be well in Football City.

(Sorry. You need to have seen the last Batman. Heath Ledger should get an Oscar, by the way. And not just because he died.)

Vision

I'm glad Cook is happy with Bellamy. Cook's vision for an international City brand of energy drinks, credit cards, scooters and more will look great with the weaselly one's features plastered all over it.

Bellamy could be perfect for City, though. Add a few more purchases from the ??14 million ($29m) shelf, mix in one Champions League spot and in a couple of years they might be able to pull Kaka's number out of their address book again. Even Chelsea built themselves a nice sensible team before they went shopping for Ballack and Shevchenko.

If this had occurred to City sooner, they'd have saved themselves a hefty espresso bill and the scorn of sneering small-time columnists everywhere.

In the meantime, it was satisfying to hear Cook, one of those suits who see brands and sponsors where the rest of us see skills and vision, making a clown of himself.

'Milan bottled it,' he said. 'They lost their nerve. They had agreed to sell their prized possession and we had agreed to buy him. We had decided to build a business model around it which was a little too sophisticated for them to understand.'

Or... Silvio Berlusconi, a man with a vast media and political empire, saw a chance to boost his image.

Milan, a world-famous club with a bulging trophy cabinet, were happy to hang on to a player who's carried them through whole Champions League campaigns. And Kaka, the best player in the world, preferred to live in a suave city and play top-level football.

If you think these people are dim and spineless Gary, I wish you well in your bid to turn City into global sporting and financial giants.