|
By Elysa Chen and Zaihan Mohamed Yusof
COULD Muhammad Izzul Salihan have been saved?
Neighbours said it was common to hear his cries, his abuser's shouts and loud thuds on the wall.
They thought Izzul was just an "ill-disciplined child". So nobody interfered.
According to Mr Daniel Koh, a pyschologist, some people adopt a defensive stance when faced with such a problem.
"It's a 'if you don't bother us, we'll not bother you' attitude," Mr Koh, of Insights Mind Centre, said.
"Since the shouting and beating is happening in the confines of a flat, neighbours regard it as a private issue."
Furthermore, unfamiliarity with neighbours and the fear that they could become aggressive when confronted discourages people from intervening.
He added: "The last thing a neighbour wants is to become a victim when he tries to help."
Does having a stepfather make a child more likely to be abused?
Mr Koh said it doesn't.
"To be fair, I know of stepfathers who are excellent and loving fathers to their new children.
"Like any new relationship, the stepfather and child will go through a transition period where they learn to bond with each other."
During this period, the child needs to feel assured by his stepfather and not be seen as a threat.
He added: "If a stepfather tries to change the child's routine instantly, it can cause stress.
"You would need to assure the child that you are not there to 'take over' from his biological father."
Agreeing, Dr Carol Balhetchet, director of youth services at Singapore Children's Society, said stepparents sometimes have high expectations of both themselves and the children.
She said: "There's the pressure on them to become an instant parent. They also expect the children to love and respect them immediately.
"But children in such positions have their reservations towards the stepparent, and might even experience some animosity towards them."
These are situations which have potential for disaster, she said.
"Men tend to need to prove that they have the control and power in the family. They may also see the child as competition for the affections of their spouse or girlfriend. Add these factors together, and you have a poisonous cocktail," said Dr Balhetchet.
Difficult children are also another factor to consider, said criminal psychologist Tommy Tan.
"A difficult child may be abused by biological parents, let alone stepparents, who lack an emotional bond with the child," he said.
He felt some stepfathers may be more prone to abusing a child, especially at the start of the relationship, when there's little emotional attachment with the child. The problem worsens if the men have violent traits.
He noted that male child abusers are in the news more as they tend to be more physically aggressive and violent, compared to women, who tend to be more emotionally abusive.
When any parent finds himself on the verge of punishing a child harshly, take a step back, Mr Koh advised.
"I have seen children severely punished for the smallest mistakes. But after the abuse is over, the parent can't understand why he did that.
"Parents need to know what can trigger such brutal attacks and learn to cool off before it takes place."
What goes into cocktail of violence:
1. Lack of emotional bond with stepchildren
2. Men with violent traits
3. High expectations about instantly forming relationship of love and respect
4. Competition between child and stepfather for affection of child's mother
5. Transfer of frustration with spouse to stepchild
This article was first published in The New Paper.
| 
