'No reason to stay after kids grow up'

WHY do older couples get divorced after so many years of marriage?

Said a counsellor from a family service centre, who wanted to be known only as Mr Lee: "Most hold on for their kids.

"When the kids grow up, there's no reason for them to stay together any more."

Mr Lee explained that for many of these couples, their feelings for each other would already have faded when they were younger.

Another counsellor, Mrs Kam-Poh Ee-Lyn, who has counselled more such couples in recent years, agreed.

She said: "Sometimes, when you have kids, the strain of taking care of them can be very tiring, and couples stop communicating.

"When you stop communicating, you drift apart."

Usually, couples stay together when their children are still young.

"But, when the children grow up, become independent and lead their own lives, these couples realise it's just the two of them left, and they have nothing much to talk about," she said.

Mrs Kam-Poh offered another possible reason - unmet needs.

"When their needs are not met, there is a breakdown in the relationship," she said.

Mr Lee also said that by the time such couples turn to counselling, one party would already have made up his or her mind to get a divorce.

He said: "After so many years together, it's usually very hard for the other party to accept it."

Mr David Kan, executive director and co-founder of the Family Life Centre said that in cases where extra-marital affairs are involved, the other spouse can have many responses.

"They may be shocked, overwhelmed, go into denial or even be too stunned to react."

Mr Kan pointed out the importance of addressing the grief.

He said: "If they don't address the grief or ordeal, some may just succumb to it and do something silly to themselves or their spouse."

The "period of recovery" is important too, he said, whether it means going for counselling or having a support network of loved ones.

Mr Kan also said that once divorce is decided upon, it is important for the spouse to "chart the course" for the next phase of life

This article was first published in The New Paper.