Alcohol curbs? Be a teetotaller

Yum seng!

Wait, is it past 10.30pm?

Are we in a public place?

No problem. We can drink in the morning after 7am on the way to work on the train.

Aiyah! No drinking allowed on the train.

Wait, why do I care?

The new proposed curbs won't affect me. I have a built-in 24-hour biological curb - whenever I drink alcohol, I break out in hives.

And it doesn't matter if I'm nowhere near Geylang or Little India.

Yes, I'm allergic to alcohol, but even if I weren't, I would still be a teetotaller.

I just never acquired the taste.

So if Bill Cosby wants to get into my pants, he has to spike my teh tarik.

Or just ask. I'm easy.

But to all you drinkers dismayed by the Liquor Control Bill, instead of drowning your sorrows in the bottle, why not go the other way and quit drinking altogether?

That'll show 'em.

If the folks at Singtel had laid off the hooch, they might not have hired Phua Chu Kang to create their much-criticised, ungrammatical new "Let's make everyday better" slogan.

I understand that for many, it's difficult to say no to the joy juice. I mean, where is the alcohol equivalent to the nicotine patch?

But you know what they say, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

And when life takes away the alcohol, make a Shirley Temple.

But beyond just the buzz, alcohol's also a vital social lubricant - it's easier to make friends with a drink or two.

I, too, have succumbed to peer pressure and even broken the law because of alcohol despite my abstinence.

This happened many years ago when I was living in the United States.

Like many Singaporeans, I grew up watching US movies and TV shows, but when I first went to the States to study, it was still a bit of a culture shock. And it was not just how much cheese they eat.

Despite what you may see in a Madonna video, Americans are surprisingly conservative about many things, particularly booze.

For instance, have you heard of the open container law?

This law makes it illegal for you to walk down the street (or drive a car) with an open can of beer.

You don't even have to be drinking it. But then what are you doing with an open can of beer if you aren't drinking it?

No one warned me about this law.

KEGGER

I once went to an off-campus kegger, which is a party where beer is dispensed from a small barrel or keg.

Why did I go to a kegger even though I don't drink? Because being a stranger in a strange land, I was desperate to make friends.

Someone offered me beer in a plastic cup. I accepted it to fit in - it's a kegger after all - but I didn't drink it.

Since I didn't know any better, I returned to my dorm with the cup, hoping to give the beer to someone else and make more friends.

After finding out about the law, I wondered whether I could have been arrested that night if a patrolling cop had spotted me with my "open container".

Another indication of how uptight Americans are about alcohol is their minimum drinking age, which is 21 compared to 18 in Singapore.

I went to college after my full-time national service so I was already 22 at the time, but most of my fellow freshmen were only 18.

Underage drinking is rampant in US colleges and on at least one occasion, I facilitated it - I bought alcohol for a minor or two at their behest because I wanted to be their friend.

So despite not touching the stuff, I could have already committed two alcohol-related offences. I hope the statutes of limitation have run out and I won't be extradited.

But I've learnt my lesson and stopped relying on booze to make friends.

That's why I don't have many friends in spite of my sparking poisonality.

But once you convert to teetotalism, you won't need drinking buddies any more.

And they'll certainly have no use for you.

That's when you learn who your true friends are.

Plus the money you save from not drinking will help pay for the increase in public transport fares.

And you can thank the Liquor Control Bill for that.

Cheers!

smong@sph.com.sg

This article was first published on Jan 25, 2015.
Get The New Paper for more stories.