I felt like I needed a cigarette afterwards.
And I don't even smoke.
I haven't seen such unabashed coverage of wild sex acts in mainstream media since the opening of the Fifty Shades Of Grey movie in February.
I'm no prude but I made it a point not to see the movie despite the hype. Actually, the hype kinda turned me off.
I mean, who does egotistical billionaire Christian Grey think he is anyway? Iron Man?
The only climax I would pay to see on the big screen is superheroes fighting robots in an orgy of CGI mayhem.
Fifty Shades Of Grey has been labelled as "mummy porn", although I've yet to catch my mother guiltily reading the E.L. James novel or watching the movie on her tablet alone in the dark.
But last week, like Malcolm McDowell in the aversion therapy scene from A Clockwork Orange, all of Singapore was made to watch an even more deviant form of smut - panda porn. We want to turn away, but we... just... can't.
On Tuesday, photos and videos of pandas Kai Kai and Jia Jia attempting their first hook-up at River Safari were unleashed on the unsuspecting world.
Look at Kai Kai answering Jia Jia's booty call. Look at Kai Kai sniffing Jia Jia's booty. Look at Kai Kai climbing on top of Jia Jia. Ewwwwww!
Why are we being inflicted with Fifty Shades Of Black And White?
Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS) could've at least rated those images PG for Panda Gross.
Why isn't WRS going to court while eating a banana to face charges for the distribution of obscene material?
I found the images so beastly that I wished Ikea had offered discounted tickets for its Ikea Family members to view them so that I could boycott Ikea.
In case you didn't get that reference, some people called for a boycott of Ikea last week after the Swedish company advertised that it's offering discounted tickets to loyalty card members to a magic show by anti-gay pastor-magician Lawrence Khong.
I used to be an Ikea Family member. Now I just go there for the hotdogs and meatballs.
Speaking of hotdogs and meatballs, Kai Kai apparently didn't know where his were because he didn't manage to inseminate Jia Jia during that much photographed mating session.