How not to make small talk with the Queen

How not to make small talk with the Queen

SINGAPORE - Okay, I admit it. I'm jealous of Ivan Heng.

The theatre veteran and Cultural Medallion recipient was invited to the state banquet in Buckingham Palace with the Queen in honour of President Tony Tan Keng Yam during his UK visit last week.

And when I say "Queen", I don't mean Kumar. I mean Queen Elizabeth II of England.

As my Hokkien wife taught me to say: "Bo jio!" (As defined by the ever-reliable online bible on Singaporean phrases, Wikipedia, "bo jio" means "you didn't invite me".)

Why am I jealous? Free food!

Granted, it's English food. But still, free food!

At least, I assume it's free. I mean, you don't have to prepare a hongbao, right?

Can you use Singapore dollars or must it be in British pound? Will the euro do?

How much do you give the Queen of England anyway?

Isn't it enough we have to pay so much to watch English football on TV?

Who am I kidding? I don't even watch football or give hongbao at wedding dinners.

Wait, wasn't Heng the same guy whose life was so boring that he spent New Year's Eve watching TV and complaining about the "cheena" Channel 5 countdown show on Facebook?

And now he gets invited to makan with Kate Middleton's grandmother-in-law.

What changed between New Year's Eve and last week that suddenly made him so invite-able to royal shindigs hosted by a Helen Mirren impersonator?

Well, in August, Heng married Briton Tony Trickett in London.

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