Dear President Donald Trump,
Greetings from Singapore.
We're not part of China even though we have literally millions of Chinese people here. I know it can be confusing.
Please don't start a trade war with us.
Or at least don't start a trade war with us because you think we're part of China.
Remember? You mentioned us in a campaign speech last year, when you said: "Baxter Health Care laid off 199 workers and moved their jobs to Singapore."
That's right. We're the bad dudes who stole American jobs.
But then you withdrew the US from the Trans-Pacific Partnership, which we wanted very badly.
So let's call it even on that front.
In your inauguration speech last month, you said: "From this day forward, it's going to be only America first."
It was tremendous.
The best inauguration speech ever with the hugest inauguration crowd ever.
But if America is first, which country is second?
The Dutch were the first to throw their funny pointy hat in the ring by releasing a viral video that proposed "America first, the Netherlands second".
Of course, having lost three World Cup finals, the Dutch are experts at coming in second. (I'm talking about football, a sport played by girls in your country.)
Switzerland, Portugal, Denmark, Belgium, Germany and Lithuania have since released their own videos and there's now a competition called Who Wants To Be Second.
But why are only European countries in the competition?
That's racist and I know you're not racist.
I would like to make the case for "America first, Singapore second".
We're okay with not being first because we have a political party called Singaporeans First, which was rejected by voters in the last election. Sad!
Almost as sad as the Democrats in your country.
While protesters demonstrated against you and your travel ban last week around the world, including in Indonesia and the Philippines, Singaporeans were more upset about something else - chickens.
Last week, our Government was pecked by animal lovers for its decision to cull non-headless chickens running wild in our country.
They're like our Mexicans. They're noisy and some, I assume, are good chickens.
The timing is also rather insensitive as it's the Year of the Chicken.
Are we going to cull puppies next year when it's the Year of the Dog?
It could be our new annual tradition, culling the animal that it's the year of.
2024 is the Year of the Dragon?
If we can't find Komodo dragons, monitor lizards will do. Just grab them by the tail.
By the way, some people may insist on calling it the Year of the Rooster, not the Year of the Chicken, but I think that's sexist. That's just talking cock on so many levels.
Like you, I love women, even hens. It's true.
I wonder what will happen to all the culled chickens.
In totally unrelated news, I read that KFC is bringing the chizza - a pizza with the crust made of fried chicken - to Singapore this week.
I would cry fowl if that turned out to be fake news.
I believe you can also eat the chizza with a knife and fork, which I know is how you like to eat your KFC.
Thanks, KFC, for making the Year of the Chicken great again.
But I understand you also like, uh, cats.
We have the Merlion, which is half cat (a lion) and half fish, although for you, the cat part may be at the wrong end.
You have Trump Tower. We have Shaw Tower, which is the best tower in Singapore. Believe me. No alternative facts here.
You like golden, uh, stuff. We have Golden Mile.
We even call it Golden Mile and not Golden Kilometre because we know how you Americans hate the metric system.
You like walls. We have Wall's ice cream (which is actually a UK brand, but hey, Brexit).
So we totally understand that it's going to be America first, but can we just say, Singapore second?
If you could sign the executive order to make it so, you will be the best US president in Singapore and JB.
And some say Batam.
This article was first published on February 6, 2017.
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