Normally, I am not one to indulge in hollow hyperbolic exaggeration, but I swear you are not going to believe what you are about to read. This is going to literally blow your mind.
That's right, I said "literally", not figuratively. And as a professional user of language, I know exactly what I am implying when I say that.
I am implying that by the time you reach the end of this column, anyone within earshot will hear a loud "BOOM!" followed quickly by a "SPLAT!" as your mind literally explodes, shooting little fleshy fragments all across the room.
Here goes, are you ready? Actually, hang on. Before I get to that awesome, epic thing, I think it is best if I first give you a little bit of background just to set the scene.
The scene I am setting is on Facebook but feel free to extrapolate it to any other part of the World Wide Web.
Now, if you've been on Facebook recently, I bet you've noticed what a dump that place has become. I am probably showing my age here but I remember a simpler time, back in the early ages of Facebook, where people had maybe 12 friends on their list and it really hurt when someone unfriended you.
It was an age when one could quite easily sit down at a computer for a few minutes and browse through every single post that every single friend put up. Everyone was very nice about it, no one would try to force their political views down your throat, show you food pictures you didn't care to see or bug you to play Farm Heroes Saga. There was genuine connection between you and your online friends and it felt simply like an extension of the real world. Just about the most annoying thing that could happen to you on Facebook was getting "poked".
That Facebook is dead. Today, Facebook is a rowdy wet market.
Most people don't really know the friends on their friend's list any more. Some of them were added purely by accident, others were acquaintances they met at a conference and promptly forgot. We just sort of accumulated them along the way, not unlike how a car on a highway accumulates flying insects.
And now you don't even know who is in your network. Your Facebook feed is a complete mess. There are few interesting nuggets about the few people you care about but they are buried under a mountain of posts that make you want to pull your hair out.
You think you can solve this problem quite easily by cleaning up your list and you swear you are going to go on a ruthless unfriending spree one day.
Except you don't. I mean, you have been meaning to tidy up your storeroom for years and somehow never got around to it. It is now more cluttered than when you first decided you would clean it out.