1. The Rabid Football Nut
Okay, I get it. You're a Manchester United fan. I can empathise. I get hyped up when I watch tournament-level Street Fighter matches too.
But does it have to take up every post? You're either moaning or gloating.
When every update is Moyes this, Cleverly that, or Kagawa the other... sorry, bro. That has got to go.
2. The Share Maniac
When all your posts are either annoying clickbait articles, absurd quizzes or Facebook games, you have a problem I don't want to share.
I don't want to know "what they did next" and I seriously doubt it will "blow my mind".
I can't emphasise enough how little I care which Disney princess you are.
And for the last time - no, I won't fight your Mafia Wars with you.
3. The Salesman
Your profile is so full of advertisements, you should change your name to Craigslist.
And these aren't blatant. Some people are so entrepreneurial that even photo albums of birthday parties become a series of product placement shills for souvenir-printing services.
Even worse are the people who pose with "You should be here" banners in their holiday snaps. Don't ask what the banner is for, that only leads to a sales spiel for some marketing campaign.
No matter the product, I am not buying.
4. The Complain King
Your essay would probably be completed faster if you stop whining about it and start writing. I know the weather is horrible, but I don't need to see you saying so five times a day. And if you're still in NS...
All right, I may have been guilty of this one myself. If anyone unsubscribed from my perpetual angst feed while I was in camp, I don't blame you.
5. The Super Social Obligatory Friend
Maybe we were once company mates in army. Or maybe we went to the same kindergarten. Or something. Either way, without the link of shared obligation, we have nothing more in common.
It is nothing personal, but I really don't want to know every detail of your life.
So if next time we meet, I'm not aware of your meal from two Thursdays ago, or what you thought of Spider-Man, you know why.
I'm sorry, but I just don't follow.
This article was published on May 11 in The New Paper.
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