We are conditioned to be "good" girls and good girls don't make any sounds in bed. With some practice, it will begin to feel more natural.
Q: My husband describes me as a "dead fish" during intercourse. I know he would like me to be more "interactive" during sex but I do not know what to do.
What is the appropriate amount of noise to make during sex and do men prefer noises or for their partner to say something? I noticed that in Asian porn women tend to make noises while in American porn they tend to say actual words. What sort of words should I say? What sort of moves can I do? Please give me some ideas.
A: Would you agree that you are a "dead fish"? If not, what do you think he meant exactly? Was he referring to the amount of noise as per your question above? Or perhaps your responsiveness - which may not be related to noise? For instance, how you express pleasure through non-verbal signals like your eyes, smile, breath, and hands? Or could he mean a lack of initiative when it comes to sex?
There is no point trying to trouble-shoot your sexual life if you are not sure what exactly your husband was referring to when he said "dead fish". More than what your husband wants, you should probably be asking some real questions about what you do want for yourself in your sexual life.
If you wish to make more noise during sex, you can choose to make sounds or words. This depends on your preference - there is no right, should or must. We are all unique individuals with our own set of sexual needs, wants and desires.
Since it is probably easier to make sounds for a start, you may wish to consciously incorporate them into your lovemaking - "hmmm", "ahhh", and the like. It may feel unreal but there is a saying: "fake it till you make it".
We are conditioned to be "good" girls and good girls don't make any sounds in bed much less disturb the neighbours. With some practice of making some sounds, it will begin to feel more natural and you can explore using some words then.
Expressing your sexuality, in sounds, words or otherwise, can take some getting used to. Step out a little, try, evaluate and try again. Venturing beyond your comfort zone when it comes to being more expressive in bed is not as scary as you imagine it to be.
This Q&A was answered by Clinical Sexologist Dr Martha Lee. Dr Lee is the founder of Eros Coaching, a sexuality and intimacy coaching company which conducts sexuality coaching, counselling, as well as sexual education workshops. For more information, visit www.eroscoaching.com.
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