How to make up with a friend you fell out with

Spend enough time with someone and conflicts are bound to arise. After all, getting along with them fabulously doesn’t mean that you share their opinions, preferences or ways of interpreting the world.

And much as breaking up with a lover can be painful, falling out with a friend can be as agonising. Just locked horns with one and feeling miserable?

Cherlyn Chong, a breakup recovery and trauma specialist at Steps to Happyness, shares how you can go about fixing things, depending on what happened.

Fell out with a friend? Here are some ways to go about making up

If it was something your friend did, use this three-step technique to get to the heart of the issue

A. Talk about the exact action that your friend did
B. Talk about how exactly that action made you feel
C. Tell them that you value their friendship and want to make it work, but this has to be resolved or there will be consequences if they keep doing that hurtful action.

This technique works well because it doesn’t hurt the identity of the person, like “You always break your promises!”, but rather, pinpoints the exact cause and effect, which is easier to take responsibility for.

If your friend does not even want to take responsibility for this one action, you will know for sure that they do not respect you.

If it was something you did, start with an open letter of not more than 300 words.

A lot of people make the mistake of writing a long, long essay, detailing what happened and defending their actions. We often forget that most likely, not only does the other party not want to hear from us, they don’t want to read this long emotional tirade of why you did what you did.

They want to be soothed and for you to set it right. So keep it short, concise and apologise. You can state your thoughts surrounding your actions, but put your ego aside and do not defend them.

End with something like, “I’d love to buy you a cup of coffee next week and make it up to you in person.” Sincerity and the effort in apologising goes a long way.

Create a new friendship together

The old way clearly wasn’t working if it came to such a painful end. So, invite your friend to create a new friendship with you. Rediscover each other’s likes, be curious about their life during the period you spent apart and ask 50 different questions about their childhood.

Establish boundaries so that previous disagreements won’t happen again. Most of all, create new experiences together. Replace the pain of old hurt with joyful memories. I am personally using my SingapoRediscovers vouchers with a friend I fell out with for two years to explore Sentosa.

Don't forget to nurture it

Budding friendships are delicate and will fall apart easily if you don’t put effort into establishing a solid foundation. Making up is not a “set it and forget it” thing. Keep up with  communication, even if it’s once a fortnight or a month, and make an effort to go out.

Be interested and curious about their lives, and invite them to partake in yours. Mending a broken friendship can be hard, but with sincerity and effort (and some swallowing of pride), you can put aside your differences enough to remember why you were such good friends in the first place.

The richness of your life will be enhanced because of it.

This article was first published in Her World Online.