How to talk to your child about the current situation in Ukraine

The Ukraine-Russia situation has brought up feelings of anxiety and helplessness in us adults. And for children who have less of an idea of what is really going on, it can be more terrifying, which is why we need to address this issue with them.

The whole world is talking about the current Ukraine-Russia situation. It has become a major global crisis, with country leaders starting to condemn Russia for making unprovoked attacks on Ukraine.

Even our own Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong took a stand and stressed that the situation unfolding in Ukraine is important to Singapore.

If reading or watching news about this current issue is making us worried and anxious, then it’s possible that our children are also feeling the same.

“Children are like sponges; they’re absorbing everything,” said Tania Taylor, a multi-award-winning hypnotherapist, psychotherapist and mentor.

Whether they are discussing the topic in school or learning about it online (thanks to social media, young people have a lot of access to information), they may start becoming curious about what is going on between the two countries and how the situation might affect their lives.

Words like “bombing,” “invasion” and even “World War III” have been thrown around, and hearing these may lead children to become anxious too, especially if they do not understand what is happening.

So, how do we talk to our children about the Ukraine and Russia situation? How should we answer their questions about what is going on, and if they don’t ask, should we even bring it up? Here’s what experts suggest.

Take cues from your child

Young children may not be aware or interested in the conflict yet. On the other hand, school-aged kids and teens may have seen or heard from friends and social media and are just curious. Some may also be feeling anxious. So it is a good idea to get a feel of what your child knows and needs from you at that moment.

“If your child does not seem all that interested in what is happening, that is fine. You do not need to push it,” said Robyn Silverman, a child and teen development specialist. 

However, she advises parents to at least broach the topic, perhaps by asking their child what they have heard about the conflict and making sure they know about what is going on. 

Based on what your child tells you, you can decide whether to talk more about the topic or just tell them to go to you when they have any questions in the future.

“You can say ‘Look, I totally get that you’re not interested in this moment. But if you are, please come to me,’”  said Dr Silverman.

Check in with yourself

But if they do ask, or you feel that your child needs some explanation or reassurance, Taylor thinks it is important to make an inward assessment of how you’re feeling first.

“First of all, you need to consider your own state of mind in relation to what is going on and how much information you would personally like to give your child,” she said.

“This is important as even if you are led by your child’s questioning, you begin with at least some self-awareness of how you are feeling and where you want to go with it.”

If you are feeling particularly anxious about it all, Taylor suggests waiting until a time when you are less anxious to talk about it. You can also ask someone else in the family, another important adult in your child’s life to talk to him instead, like your spouse, a teacher or a grandparent.

Try active listening

Taylor also recommends a technique called ‘active listening,’ which you can use if you think your child is interested in the Ukraine-Russia situation and would like to know more.

“What you are doing here is paying full attention to your child during the whole conversation, ignoring distractions, and putting all your focus on listening to your child’s words,” she explained.   “Listen to what they’re asking, and don’t give more information than they are asking for. We humans have a habit of oversharing, this is a situation when that’s not necessarily helpful.   And if you don’t know all the answers to their questions, don’t be afraid to say you don’t know,” she added.

Instead, you may feel more comfortable saying that you will find out about the answer and let them know later on, or use this opportunity to spend time looking for information together. Feel free to say,“Great question. I don’t know. Let’s look into it together.”

This way, you can point your child towards valid and credible sources that he or she can refer to in the future.

Keep it age-appropriate

While it is understandable that you want to be updated by watching the news, bear in mind that it may contain videos or images that can be disturbing to children.

“You cannot control what images or videos might pop into view that cannot be unseen,” said Dr Emily King, a child psychologist based in Raleigh, North Carolina. “Either research yourself and share information with your child in a way they can understand without feeling overly fearful or share an article for them to read that you have vetted yourself,” she added.

If you’re worried that your teen is “doomscrolling” on a device, encourage them to make smart media choices by asking them which news sources they are following. Open the conversation on checking for credible sources versus ones that just incite fear and panic.

Check out Commonsense Media for a list of the best news sources and apps for kids and youth.

The experts also suggested different ways of going about explaining the Ukraine-Russia situation depending on your child’s age.

How to tackle this issue with your child according to age

• Kids aged seven and younger

It is unlikely for children in this age group to properly pick up on what’s going on, but in case they do overhear your conversations or see the news and ask questions, it is important to make sure they know they are safe. 

You can also ease their worry by telling them that what is happening is not in our country. One way to do this is by showing it to them on a map or a globe, so they can grasp the distance, said Kirsty Ketley, qualified early years and parenting consultant.

“Kids of this age don’t need to be burdened with news that they are unable to understand, so if they don’t mention it, don’t bring it up. Let them be blissfully unaware,” she added.

• Tweens (between eight and 12)

They are at an impressionable age and are more aware of the world around them. They may have learned about war and conflict in school, so they will have preconceived ideas of what it is about, said Ketley.

Knowing this, it’s best to point them to credible sources that can explain what is happening in an appropriate way. She cited Newsround, which is a BBC-powered website aimed towards kids ages six to 12 years old. 

Since kids this age have more grasp of the current situation between Ukraine and Russia, it’s crucial for parents to be aware of how they discuss this issue with other adults when children are within earshot.

"Children are susceptible to how parents respond to issues, which can have a massive impact on a child’s anxieties. Studies have shown that children from as young as one to two years old will mimic parents’ behaviour,” said educational expert and founder of KidCoachApp Kavin Wadhar. 

• Teens

At this age, your child is already exposed to so many sources, credible or not. It is our duty as their parents to point them to the right sources.  

Kirsty suggests asking your child what he or she already knows and giving them reassurance if they are feeling anxious about it.

“Let them know that you are there to talk through things,” she said.   “I think it is important that they know that what they are seeing on social media, won’t all be accurate and suggest that they watch the news or read reliable news sources online, instead,” she added.

Dealing with hard truths

Just like the current Ukraine-Russia situation, our children will be exposed to sad news and hard truths as they grow up. We cannot shield them from it all their lives. 

So we also need to prepare ourselves in helping our children deal with the realities that are happening around us. 

In talking to your child about hard truths, it’s important to not just stick to facts, but also check in with how they are feeling.

“Pause at various points and ask, 'What’s this like to talk about?' It’s okay if your child remains silent. You can share, 'I know, it’s heavy stuff,'” said Dr Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and parent coach based in New York.

“If your child becomes upset, give permission for the feeling and name your presence: 'It’s okay to feel sad about it. I’m right here with you.'” she added.

Letting your child talk about thier feelings will also build empathy. So don’t try to wrap it in a nice ribbon, thinking all’s well that ends well. Instead, allow them to cry if they feel bad for the other children in Ukraine who are forced to flee their homes and live in fear. And don’t be ashamed to cry with them if you feel like it.

“You can say,'Our tears tell us that our body is having an important reaction. That makes sense given what we’re talking about.'” said Dr Becky.

Then finish by reassuring your child that she is safe, because you are there to protect her and listen to her about anything.

“Even when I cry, I am still your parent who can take care of you. I can be sad and strong at the same time,” added Dr Becky.

This article was first published in theAsianparent.