iPhone fans: iDiots or iDealists?

Out of ideas already?

Are you feeling nervous, Apple?

Running out of ideas? I can't help but notice your latest iterations of the iPhone are pretty much the same as before.

Ahem, and I'm sure you've noticed that most first-time smartphone buyers choose Android.

Or that an Android phone beat the iPhone 5 in the recent American Consumer Satisfaction Index.

And why not? I mean, your latest innovation is to add some colour for those who can't afford the better model.

Great idea. People love having their lack of wealth garishly signalled.

Well, at least you'll boost sales of phone covers for anyone who doesn't want to look like they have the children's version.

For years I've watched you, Mr Popular, being all flash, while ironically not being able to handle Flash.

You're like an ageing actress, and you know you can only trade on your looks for so long, so I think your time is up.

Oh, I've been waiting. How long can you hope that your nothing-but-Apple drones will stay programmed to adulate your every release?

Even your precious creative types are abandoning you.

You may have lots of creativity-based apps available, but maybe you should have considered your phones being able to use a stylus that's slightly thinner than a tree trunk.

And didn't you use to be cool?

Your adverts centre on some nerds, dryly enthusing about fingerprints.

Have you seen my Android adverts with David Beckham?

They're fun and sexy.

I feel our demographics have switched. You're for the uptight nerds, while I'm for the fun and funky.

But then are you so aloof that you feel you don't have to address your critics?

Or did you put the address into Apple Maps and then got lost?

Even Nokia has pwned you on Twitter.

The best comeback your users have about my phones? They're too big.

It's called an interface, dear. People are fed up of daintily tapping at a micro-screen.

Still, I'm sure you will have something groundbreaking and market-conquering planned for iPhone 6.

- Android (as channelled by TNPS' Jonathan Roberts)

The first and the future

I'm an iPhone 5s and I'm here to stay.

Bitch about me all you want, but people are still buying me.

Why? I'm the best, obviously.

That's not bragging.

It's backed by a survey - 20 per cent of Android users have come over to my way of thinking.

See, I'm the original smartphone.

I had a touchscreen when the rest still had tiny keyboards that looked more suited to ants.

So my latest incarnation isn't radically different. That's because it's an evolution, not a revolution.

There are always wannabes cribbing my style, but I still have tricks up my sleeve.

Fingerprint recognition? I'm giving you the future, NOW!

Mark my words - soon fingerprint recognition will be on more everyday items.

When I introduced a front-facing camera, some thought only poseurs would use it. But never underestimate the number of poseurs.

I advanced selfie technology. Why do you think Instagram started as an iPhone-only app?

I'm everywhere. My users are legion. My text-messaging chime is so recognisable that when someone gets a message, half the room check their phones.

And what's wrong with looking good?

I'm slim and light, not some plastic slab you see people trying to stuff into their pockets.

Two of my new colours - gold and silver - reflect my prestige and value.

The gold model sold out within an hour of its launch. So it looks like people are already buying presents for next year's Chinese New Year.

Wise choice. I'm a great gift, everyone can learn to use me instantly.

And don't diss my brother, the 5c. Every one deserves a chance to have a version of me, even if you don't have silver or gold.

With me around, other devices have no purpose. Flashlight, compass, alarm clock. I'll even give you a massage. Yes, there's an app for that.

By the way, I'm also about the fastest smartphone on the block now. If you were reading this on an Android, you'd probably still be on the first paragraph.

See, I'm close to perfect, I'm getting closer all the time.

- iPhone 5s (as channelled by TNPS' Benson Ang)

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