Dear Thelma: I can't seem to stop having affairs

Dear Thelma: I can't seem to stop having affairs

I work in sales in a large organisation. Ten years ago, I had an affair with a client who was an ex-colleague at another organisation and who had wooed me even though I was married.

I don't know what drove me to have the affair - probably a combination of loneliness (neglect from a businessman husband), work pressure or maybe it was just the temptation. On the first date in a hotel, nothing happened other than some kissing and petting.

He was a gentleman who kept asking me if I really wanted to make love and when I just kept quiet, he didn't insist. We met up again and since I agreed to go to his hotel room again, he didn't ask anymore and we had sex.

I must admit it was the most fantastic session I have ever had despite having been married for 14 years then. We carried on with the affair for more than two years before it stopped.

Shortly after that, I started another affair with a colleague whom I treated as mentor. Again, I don't really know what led to the affair when I had just stopped one. But it started when we were both on a company incentive trip overseas and I went to his hotel room on the last night of the trip. Again, it was a fantastic session, although it was not as good as my first affair. Again, we carried on after that.

On both occasions, I had the opportunity not to do it. All I had to do was not agree to meet at the hotel and nothing would have happened. For the second affair, I was the one who went to his hotel room. I'm still continuing the second affair, and at times, miss the first affair.

I still slept with my husband throughout both affairs. As it is, we don't really have sex that often anyway, so it would seem everything's "normal". I can't seem to stop the affair - is something wrong with me? - MT

Reply: Despite the moral conundrum that you face because you are a married woman having extra marital affairs, there's nothing actually "wrong" with you. There are two separate issues here - the first being the extra marital affair itself, and the second being your seeming enjoyment of this.

Firstly, you say that the first person wooed you. It seems his gentleman-like demeanour of not forcing himself on you impressed you. And then, he provided you an experience you never had with your husband.

The common factor that your second affair has with the first one is that sex is different from what you experience with your husband. It appears that the sex in your married life is mundane and perhaps routine.

Perhaps, this is what drives you to have these affairs. They offer you some kind of excitement and thrill, something out of your usual behaviour.

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