I am confused after break-up

I am confused after break-up

Dear Thelma,

I do not know how to put my problem into words; let me just start with how I got together with this guy.

I was having trouble with my previous boyfriend, and this guy, A, was always there for me. He is two years my junior and we see each other every day at university. We also texted every day, secretly. We didn't plan for it to be that way, but I just needed to talk to him every day. And I did not plan to fall in love with him, but eventually I did.

I guess women have a soft spot for guys who catch them when they fall. And A happened to be there to do that for me.

We talked about his previous relationship too, when he felt very, very wretched when his partner left him. And as we talked and became closer, we developed feelings for each other.

At least, my feelings were real. A, however, has a female best friend, B; I knew B had feelings for him, but A didn't. When A told me that he had feelings for me, we pursued a relationship. After some time, I managed to tell B about our relationship and B decided that she should confess her own feelings to her best friend. When she did, A felt really, really bad, as all this time he had thought they were only friends, he never thought B would develop such feelings for him.

He felt guilty over our relationship, as B has been a very good friend to him, had seen him through thick and thin. So A broke up with me, saying that "it was to be fair to all of us".

I didn't know what he meant, and I didn't bother to find out. I felt like, if he wants it to be that way, so be it. I love him and I was sore that the relationship ended, but I do not want to fight for something/someone that isn't there.

I have tried to point out to him that ours was not a rebound relationship, at least not on my part, but I don't know about him. He said it wasn't for him, either, but a few of his friends told me that he had not really got over his previous relationship.

We haven't really talked since the break-up even though we used to be close friends before we became a couple. It's been quite a few months, Thelma, and I'm afraid I'm still very much confused over what happened.

Irina

As painful as it sounds, you have to accept that your relationship is over. There should be no confusion there. You may be overthinking the situation by calling it a rebound for A, though. It sounds more like A just was not ready to be in another relationship.

That may have been due to his not getting over his ex-girlfriend. But it also sounds like he may have been overwhelmed. Look at it from his point of view - he is trying to pick himself up after a break-up and then he gets attention from not one but two women. And both these women are important in his life. He obviously counted on you for support and B was his best friend.

I am not trying to defend his actions. And his explanations of having to be "fair" do sound dubious. It's just him trying to understand the confusion around him and to exert some control when his life seems to have become a roller coaster.

It does sound like you really liked him. Whether or not you bonded over the bad situations that happened in your lives, it seems that you seemed to trust and count on him quite a bit. So it must be painful to have had your relationship end like that. Plus, you haven't had the opportunity to talk to him and process what happened so you don't even get any closure.

Perhaps when you feel up to it you will be able to resume contact with him and have a healthy conversation about what happened.

Getting a clearer picture of what he was thinking and the reasons for your break-up will help to ease off any confusion. It may even help restart your friendship with A. But, all in good time.

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