Infidelity does not mean suffering

SINGAPORE - You would expect a man who has only good things to say about infidelity to be bad at his own marriage.

But Mr Noel Biderman, founder of a website that matches cheating spouses, said he does not cheat on his wife.

He said that he and wife Amanda, who have two children, are faithful to each other and that he would be upset if his wife cheated on him.

"If my wife were engaging in such a service, then clearly our relationship would be in trouble," Mr Noel Biderman told Online Personals Watch, an Internet news magazine programme.

He explained that while being monogamous works for him, it may not be the way for others.

His wife feels the same way.

"I would be devastated if (Noel cheated) on me," Amanda said.

"But I would not blame a website... It is servicing a need out there. And unfortunately, it exists. It's sad," she told the New York Daily News.

AshleyMadison.com, which he started 11 years ago, has announced plans to set up a website in Singapore. MyPaper first broke the news last week.

It sparked a public outcry, with Singaporeans and politicians insisting that its maxim "Life is short. Have an affair" is not what we want.

Minister for Social and Family Development Chan Chun Sing said in a Facebook post that he is against any company or website that harms marriage.

"Promoting infidelity undermines trust and commitment between a husband and wife, which are core to marriage," he said in response to media reports of the planned local launch.

"Our marriage vows make it clear that marriage is a lifelong commitment between a man and a woman. This includes staying faithful to one another," Mr Chan said.

But Mr Biderman, who is also Ashley- Madison.com's CEO, does not agree.

He told The New Paper: "It's naive to believe that cheating is not happening now in Singapore. It is. So, are you going to remove these people from the community?"

He was speaking en route to a television interview in Sweden.

Mr Biderman, 42, said: "I don't know what the minister's mandate is like, but I assure you, he and so many people in similar roles don't truly understand monogamy from the social science perspective.

"We humans believe that we are monogamous, but we are not. It is these unfaithful acts that have helped us stay married. After all, it (cheating) is a needed relief. In a marriage, certain priorities take precedence over others such as children, finances and shelter over sexual needs. If you are cheating, it helps you stay in the marriage."

Pay-site

Launched in 2002, AshleyMadison.com is a Toronto-based venture that earns money by getting members to pay it to contact one another.

It has 20 million members in more than 33 countries.

It recently dropped its pin in Asia, casting its first line in Japan in June and reeling in under half a million members in just three months.

It went on to Hong Kong in July, where it amassed more than 80,000 members, making Hong Kong its most successful launch rate per capita.

Mr Biderman is estimated to be worth US$100 million (S$124 million), largely amassed through AshleyMadison.com.

The online dating site, named after popular girls' names of 2000, is a female- centred brand.

"In today's world, more women have jobs and are financially independent.

They travel more and interact with more people. When societal obstacles are removed, the women start behaving like men. So with technology and the Internet, infidelity driven by women has caught up with men. Women are now using the Internet to fulfil their fantasies and passion," he said.

Mr Biderman said that he does not think "just a website can convince people to have affairs, except if they are already determined to do so".

A recent two-year study on marital infidelity in Singapore found adultery to be a top reason for the breakdown of marriages here.

The study, which looked at 227 individuals who sought help at counselling centres and family service centres, found that only about a third were likely to end their marriage and that men with cheating wives made up almost one in four.

Family therapist and founder of Heart to Heart Psychotherapy Jasmine Boulter, 42, said that already, the family value system here "is not very strong nowadays".

"By allowing a site that encourages infidelity to come here would be like setting up a 7-Eleven store for the convenience of cheaters," she said, adding that there are already other sites available online, without having to add another.

Mrs Boulter, who is married with four children, said that curiosity about the 20 million members, in this case, will definitely help to "kill the moral cat".

"The seed will have been planted that this is the 'in' crowd and if you are not with them, then you are not part of them," she said.

Mrs Boulter, who has counselled many couples, said: "Often, people tend to overestimate their ability and underestimate the power of feelings.

"It is not okay to flirt and that dinner will not have been just a dinner because feelings that develop can often become overpowering."

Block the site

A Singapore businessman has organised Block Ashley Madison - Singapore protest on Facebook, which had more than 25,000 likes as of Tuesday.

The man who identified himself only as Mr Tan said: "Temptations will always be lurking, but it's very different when it's orchestrated... We cannot allow (the promotion of extramarital affairs) to become mainstream."

Facebook user Mabel Lee posted on the page that people who are curious may end up getting hurt.

She wrote: "Just like drugs, it will destroy you! Ashley Madison is just making money at your expense. If you want something more, fix it in your marriage, not outside."

Another poster, John Ng, was emphatically vehement.

"If this company comes in, there will be no meaning in marriage anymore. If having affairs (is) right, then why should people get married for?? Simply no logic for this," he wrote.

Assistant Professor Sam Han from the Division of Sociology, School of Humanities and Social Sciences at Nanyang Technological University, said monogamy is a "recent phenomenon in the past 100 years or so".

Vested interest

"He is accurate, but Mr Biderman obviously has vested interest in citing this fact.

"I don't believe that a website like this would increase divorce rates - I don't believe it did in the United States.

It would be interesting to see how Singapore negotiates this new venture, whether it would let the moral ethos be undermined by its business ethos.

"But if the state wants to promote marriages and to strengthen families, this website would be running counter to that."

When Mr Biderman was asked if he will continue his foray into Singapore after all the criticism, he said: "I might be coming in the later part of the year."

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