Is your mother or mother-in-law unreasonably harsh with your helper? Experts tell Lisa Twang how to restore peace at home.
Excessive working hours 96 per cent (14-20 hours a day)
Never permitted to leave the house 52.3 per cent
Restrictions on phone usage 45.7 per cent Withholding salary 33.1 per cent
The study interviewed 151 women seeking refuge at the HOME (Humanitarian Organisation for Migration Economics) shelter.
Is the Helper being abused?
According to the 2012 Foreign Domestic Worker Trafficking Research Report† by HOME, these are some of the most common forms of abuse reported by domestic workers.
When Lilin*, 36, noticed that her elderly mother was growing frail, she hired a domestic helper to help with the household chores. To Lilin's surprise, her mother became hostile to the maid, often yelling at her and complaining about her work.
Lilin found the helper hardworking and polite, and could not understand why her mum was treating her unfairly. Her husband and two sons would hide in the bedroom whenever her mother was shouting at the helper, as they didn't dare to interfere.
Natalia*, 25, also noticed that her mother was unreasonable to their helpers, and would pick on them when she was in a bad mood. "She would scold them for little things like not serving water to the family at meal times, even though she was the only one who wanted it," recalls Natalia.
"She restricted them from leaving the house, with only the occasional Sunday off. Because of this, we changed maids many times, to the point where my mother was blacklisted by the agency."
Does She Feel Like She's Being Replaced?
If you have a good relationship with your helper, but your mother or mother-in-law is negative towards her, don't fret. Darren Wong, owner of part-time domestic helper agency Homebreeze, says it's common.
"A lot of customers specifically request that their helper must be able to appease their difficult mum or mum-in-law," says Darren. "The older generation is used to 'tough love' - scolding rather than explaining things in a gentler way.
Our mothers are used to running a household their whole lives. When a maid comes into the picture, they feel threatened and insecure, as if they are being replaced as caretaker of the family."
Lilin found this true in her case, as she realised her mother felt she had lost her role in the family when the maid took over her household duties. "I never realised how much pride my mum took in her work; simple acts like washing the toilets and sweeping the floor were her way of showing that she cared for us," says Lilin.
"One day, she confided that she felt helpless and bored when there was nothing for her to do. This was why she vented her frustration on our helper."
Help Her Be More Empathetic
Another reason our mothers may treat domestic helpers without respect is that they lack empathy for the helpers. "My mum felt that because she was paying our maid, she could behave however she wanted towards her," says Natalia.
"The maids couldn't speak English well, so she looked down on them and treated them as if they were ignorant."
You can change your mum's attitude by helping her to see things from your maid's point of view. Natalia says she helped put the situation in context. "I reminded Mum that they had families back home they were working to support.
I asked her how she would feel if she was stuck at work all day with her boss acting the way she did towards them. It made her more conscious of her behaviour."
Set A Good Example
Siti*, 35, found that her mother softened her behaviour towards their maid after watching the two of them interact. "I get along well with our helper because I talk to her with respect, even when I'm telling her off," says Siti.
"My mum realised that our helper was more inclined to listen to me because of our good relationship, and she stopped nagging her and following her around the house all the time."
Make Roles And Rules Clear
Establishing clear rules at home will also minimise misunderstandings between your mum and helper, so both of them know exactly what the helper is supposed to do.
Bridget Tan, president and chief executive officer of the Humanitarian Organisation for Migration Economics (HOME), advises: "Lay down your helper's obligations and areas of duty. Trust them to help manage your household."
Be Calm Yourself
Finally, raise issues in a non-confrontational way. "If your mum or mother-in-law feels that you're attacking her or telling her what to do, she'll either get defensive, or will carry on as before whenever you're not around," says John Gee, immediate past president for migrant workers' rights agency Transient Workers Count Too.
"Don't adopt the attitude that you have to win an argument - give your mum time and space to reflect. Sometimes, you might need to step in to resolve an issue, but try to enlist your husband in this, so you don't feel that you're carrying all the responsibility," he adds.
*Names have been changed
When it's not Mum's fault
Dementia can cause her to be more hot-tempered with those around them, including your domestic helper.
"My mother-in-law grew more senile in her 80s, and her most common target of abuse was our Indonesian maid," says Irene*, 47.
"She would curse at her and grab her arm roughly when she wanted help. My mum-in-law also accused our maid of stealing her jewellery and personal items whenever she misplaced them.
"She was eventually diagnosed with dementia, which explained her paranoia and violent outbursts. Medication helped to calm her moods, and we made sure that a family member was always around her and the maid, to soothe her if she became agitated."
As most maids are trained as workers for general household purpose, and not for elder care, consider hiring a nurse or a caretaker who specialises in the care of the elderly, if Mum becomes difficult to manage because she is unwell.
[[{"fid":"71727","view_mode":"default","type":"media","link_text":null,"attributes":{"height":190,"width":142,"border":"0","class":"media-element file-default"}}]] | Her World, Singapore's No. 1 women's magazine published by SPH Magazines is available at all newsstands now. Check out more stories at Her World online, www.herworld.com. |