Breaking the silence on bullies

'YOU'RE FAT'

Every day for four years of secondary school, bullies would verbally abuse him because of his weight.

It bothered him so much that he even contemplated suicide. Fortunately, a friend talked him out of it.

Jason (not his real name), now 17, said he used to weigh 60kg when he was 1.5m tall and became the target of school bullies.

He said he would "cry on the spot" every time he heard the words "you're fat".

He told The New Paper in a phone interview yesterday: "I knew I was fat but why did they have to keep bringing it up? Why insult me?"

The bullies would also rally others to join in. He overheard one boy saying that they should "make him cry at least once every day".

Initially, there were three bullies in his class. But his teary reactions to their taunts made him such an easy target that students in other classes joined in.

By Secondary 4, he was being tormented by about 15 bullies who would hurl hurtful words at him daily.

He was once told by a bully at recess time: "You know you're fat, then why don't you die? If you die, you won't be hungry."

Jason told him to stop. When the boy refused, he lunged at him to slap him. But the bully quickly overpowered him and pinned him down, "like in wrestling".

"He acted as if he won the fight, then he let me go," said Jason.

Teachers at his neighbourhood school in Bishan were not aware of the fight. As with many victims of bullying, Jason preferred to keep silent about his plight. (See report on facing page.)

He put the idea of changing schools out of his head as he did not want to trouble his parents, who told him to ignore the bullies.

His teacher also said the same thing when Jason eventually told him about the bullying.

"The teacher told me to learn how to take their jokes better and ignore them. But I didn't know how I could avoid them every day," he said.

"I approached my teachers (about getting counselling) but they told me not to bother them."

Jason, who now weighs only about 50kg and is 1.8m tall, said he is no longer bullied because the environment at Nanyang Polytechnic is "way better".

He said: "It doesn't happen any more to me today but I will always remember it as this is not something that can be easily forgotten."

'YOU'RE TOO SMART'

She was harassed for being the brightest student in her batch, scoring A1s for six out of seven subjects.

Only after another student topped the school the next year did the bullying stop.

Sarah (not her real name) said the bullying began after she started Secondary 2. She was 14.

She said the bullies would make snide remarks about her or give disapproving looks.

"I thought they were just jealous of me and it would stop after a while, but they kept picking on me for half-a-year. I had no idea why," she said.

She thought it could be because she belonged to a group of three transfer students who were regularly sneered at for various reasons.

Her friend was called a "flirt" and a "slut" by other girls as she was popular with the boys in the school, while another friend was ostracised for associating with the two of them.

Said Sarah, who is now 19 and studying in Singapore Polytechnic: "After a while, we didn't feel like going to school at all.

"It was bad because it felt like no one wanted us to be there when we just wanted to be accepted.

"It was an emotional struggle just to sit in the classroom."

The next year, a boy took the mantle of top student from her.

He also became the target of bullies.

He was accosted by a group of three or four boys, whom she thought were from the Normal stream.

"They called him out, confronted him openly and beat him.

"Quite a lot of people gathered around, watching. A girl tried to stop them, but they ignored her.

"Because of my past experience with bullies, I didn't dare stand up for him," said Sarah.

'YOU'RE TOO STUPID'

He suffers from Asperger syndrome, a form of autism.

But his classmates in primary and secondary school did not know that, so he was frequently bullied.

Lewis (not his real name), who is now 17 and studying in the Singapore Polytechnic, said: "I am different from my peers in many ways.

"(I have) a very literal understanding of language. This, and my inability to understand what went on around me, meant I was very easily manipulated."

He could not understand if someone was joking or being sarcastic, and he reacted by hitting them.

This made him a target for bullies, one of whom told him: "You are stupid and retarded."

Knowing that he was hypersensitive to loud noises, they would also yell and clap loudly in front of him.

Lewis said: "I was very upset and I wanted to know why I was being treated this way. I thought that everyone was just being mean. I blamed my classmates.

"I begged my parents to send me to a special school but they said no. They explained that going through mainstream school is challenging for me but it would be heaven once I'd gone through it."

It got better in Primary 6, after his school employed a new counsellor who is trained in autism support.

The counsellor spoke to his classmates and the bullying stopped, but not for long.

When he entered secondary school, he was bullied again, especially by one classmate whom Lewis called "a hooligan".

He recounted an incident during a Secondary 1 art class when the boy and his friends took his masking tape and unrolled everything, to his chagrin.

He demanded compensation and received only 20 cents from them. Feeling humiliated, he cried.

Said Lewis: "I felt embarrassed as it took place in full view of the class. Nobody helped. Instead, I was laughed at by the whole class. The teacher didn't care.

"I even shouted that I wanted to tie those guys up and jump on them. That made them laugh more."

It took another school counsellor to explain his condition to the class in Secondary 3 before the bullying stopped.

"Autism is not the problem. The lack of awareness and understanding of it by people is the real tragedy," said Lewis.

One in eight students here is bullied at least once every week, Ms Esther Ng, founder of the Coalition Against Bullying for Children and Youth (Cabcy) said yesterday.

Drive to stop bullying

This is based on a survey done by the non-profit organisation in 2006.

A new survey of around 5,000 students is under way. But even without the latest figures, Ms Ng asked: "Do we really need (to see) the numbers first before doing anything?"

She was speaking at a press conference to launch a new social media campaign that raises awareness on bullying.

Called "Share it to end it", the campaign is centred on a 100-second animation of the suffering of a bullying victim, which will be shortened by a millisecond each time the video is shared on Facebook.

"We need to break the silence on bullying in Singapore. Victims are typically afraid or embarrassed to talk about it," said Ms Ng, who is also a psychotherapist and an adviser in the Family Court.

She said schools often give the wrong advice to victims, so the chance of a victim getting real help is "very slim".

Said Dr Lily Neo, Member of Parliament for Tanjong Pagar GRC: "I don't think a lot of people know the extent of bullying - how prevalent it is, how bad it is, and how the children are affected by it."

WHY VICTIMS DO NOT SPEAK OUT
- They fear that if the bullies or other schoolmates find out that they spoke up, their lives would be made more miserable.
- They do not know if adult intervention would make matters worse.
- They do not trust a system that did not protect them from being bullied in the first place.
- They are resigned to the fate of being a victim.
- They do not want to bring trouble to their parents or family members.

WRONG ADVICE TO GIVE A VICTIM
- Put up with the bully.
- Avoid the bully.
- Do not talk to or go near the bully.
- Try not to be too sensitive.
- Try to fit in.

The animation can be viewed at www.shareittoendit.com

ngjunsen@sph.com.sg

HELPLINES

Coalition Against Bullying for Children and Youth
6223-3122

Singapore Children's Society (for primary school children)
1800-274-4788

ComCare
1800-222-0000

Samaritans of Singapore
1800-221-4444

This article was published on April 8 in The New Paper.

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