Laddie, wake up. You’re managing Manchester United now. Not Everton or a local pub team.
Man U kill our opponents as the Red Devils. We don’t go down in flames as the Red Rubbish the way we got thrashed 1-4 by City.
You know how noisy those Noisy Neighbours can get? They’re worse than Paolo di Canio whining in English.
Moyes, I don’t care if you beat Liverpool in the League Cup. That’s like winning a consolation prize in an office lucky draw.
I need you to beat the top teams in the Premier League because every time you lose to Man City, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool or Spurs, I regret not cloning myself to stay on as the boss until 2113.
I know you’ve never won anything meaningful as manager except maybe Best Impersonation Of A Very Pale Vampire, but bloody hell, you’re not hiding in the dungeon any more.
You cannot say: “If only I have the money to buy somebody spectacular.” Because you have more than 10 quid now. So why didn’t you do an Arsene Wenger and buy Gareth Bale for £100 million (S$200 million) plus one penny?
Instead, you overpaid for some chap named Fellaini who looks like the bloke who cleans my chimney every Saturday with his giant brush head.
I need my beloved Man U to play football like a masterpiece by Michelangelo, boy. Not look as though they’re muddling in some kind of crazy circus movie directed by Fellini.