EPL: Mou mocks Moyes - the battle begins

SINGAPORE - As the countdown to the Manchester United- Chelsea blockbuster next Tuesday (Singapore time) begins, our columnist sits in on a conversation between managers David Moyes and Jose Mourinho as they discuss the upcoming fixture and the transfer tension between both clubs.

Mourinho: Hello David, I thought it was important we meet privately before we play, so we can discuss our issues like adults... please let me have Wayne Rooney, please, please, pretty please.

Moyes: Get off your knees, Jose. You're ruining my carpet. Why should I sell him to Chelsea? Give me one reason.

Mourinho: I am the Special One.

Moyes: I thought you said you were the Happy One.

Mourinho: That was just for the newspapers. Really, I am the Special One. Everybody knows this. You know this.

Moyes: Look, Rooney is going nowhere. I want him scoring goals against you at Old Trafford next week. I don't want him scoring goals against us. Besides, he's happy here. I played him against Swansea and he's happy again.

Mourinho: Are you kidding? He looked like a constipated tortoise. He also moved like a constipated tortoise. Either he's unhappy with the club or he's unhappy with the club toilets. Either way, he needs to come to Chelsea. Name your price.

Moyes: Fine. I'll have Juan Mata, Eden Hazard, Oscar and a partridge in a pear tree.

Mourinho: I can get you a partridge in a pear tree.

Moyes: I don't need a bird. I've already got a lame duck in Anderson.

Mourinho: Why are you being so unfair, so ridiculous?

Moyes: If I give you Rooney, I will be giving you the English Premier League trophy as well.

Mourinho: Why? Does he keep it at his house?

Moyes: No, of course not. He gave it back after Sir Alex Ferguson stepped down.

Mourinho: Let's not talk about league titles. We can't because you don't have any. Let's talk about players. Rooney doesn't want you. He wants me. He wants Chelsea. Surely, you can see this?

Moyes: Of course I can. I've got a striker in my squad who is so frustrating, I want to jab red-hot needles in my eyes, so I don't have to look at him. Have you any idea what that feels like?

Mourinho: I do. I have to play Fernando Torres up front.

Moyes: Yes, I saw that. He didn't have much of an impact against Hull.

Mourinho: I brought on another player in the second half who offered more of an attacking threat in his short time on the pitch than Torres for most of the game.

Moyes: You mean Romelu Lukaku?

Mourinho: No, Marco van Ginkel. And he came on for only six minutes.

Moyes: Have you considered a like-for-like swop deal?

Mourinho: You mean Torres for Rooney?

Moyes: No, I was thinking Torres for a pair of socks.

Mourinho: I never realised you had a sense of humour, David... until I watched you perform in the transform market. You really are a funny guy.

Moyes: I thought your second half against Hull was pretty amusing. Did your boys suddenly forget where the goal was?

Mourinho: I'm not sure. Did you suddenly forget where your cheque book was? You're making Arsene Wenger look like he's shopping with Paris Hilton.

Moyes: We are waiting for a player who appreciates the magnitude of playing for Manchester United.

Mourinho: Or maybe you're waiting for anyone who's heard of the Manchester United manager.

Moyes: Leighton Baines and Marouane Fellaini know who I am.

Mourinho: That's right. I forgot. You're trying to turn Man United into the next Everton. The fans must be delighted.

By the way, did you notice the standing ovation I received from the Chelsea fans last weekend? Do you think you'll get such a warm reception at Old Trafford? The applause was quite amazing.

Moyes: You succeeded Rafa Benitez, Jose. They would've applauded a mad axeman.

Mourinho: Yeah, but he's at Sunderland. How long do you expect Paolo Di Canio to stay?

Moyes: He won't stay as long as Rooney will at this club.

Mourinho: Come on, you know he's going to only sulk. He's going to be a hindrance, not a help. Everyone knows there's a rift in the dressing room. Let's get next week's game out of the way and then complete the transfer as quickly as possible.

Moyes: We will discuss it after the game, as long as you promise not to mention his name in the build-up.

Mourinho: I'll try my best. Do you think Rooney will start up front with Robin van Persie?

Moyes: I'm not sure yet. I need to look at his match sharpness first.

Mourinho: Yeah, I'm doing the same with Torres. I really need that strong attacking threat against your boys. And if I can't get one, I'll have to start with Torres.

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