SINGAPORE - As the countdown to the Manchester United- Chelsea blockbuster next Tuesday (Singapore time) begins, our columnist sits in on a conversation between managers David Moyes and Jose Mourinho as they discuss the upcoming fixture and the transfer tension between both clubs.
Mourinho: Hello David, I thought it was important we meet privately before we play, so we can discuss our issues like adults... please let me have Wayne Rooney, please, please, pretty please.
Moyes: Get off your knees, Jose. You're ruining my carpet. Why should I sell him to Chelsea? Give me one reason.
Mourinho: I am the Special One.
Moyes: I thought you said you were the Happy One.
Mourinho: That was just for the newspapers. Really, I am the Special One. Everybody knows this. You know this.
Moyes: Look, Rooney is going nowhere. I want him scoring goals against you at Old Trafford next week. I don't want him scoring goals against us. Besides, he's happy here. I played him against Swansea and he's happy again.
Mourinho: Are you kidding? He looked like a constipated tortoise. He also moved like a constipated tortoise. Either he's unhappy with the club or he's unhappy with the club toilets. Either way, he needs to come to Chelsea. Name your price.
Moyes: Fine. I'll have Juan Mata, Eden Hazard, Oscar and a partridge in a pear tree.
Mourinho: I can get you a partridge in a pear tree.
Moyes: I don't need a bird. I've already got a lame duck in Anderson.
Mourinho: Why are you being so unfair, so ridiculous?
Moyes: If I give you Rooney, I will be giving you the English Premier League trophy as well.
Mourinho: Why? Does he keep it at his house?
Moyes: No, of course not. He gave it back after Sir Alex Ferguson stepped down.