EPL: Mou mocks Moyes - the battle begins

EPL: Mou mocks Moyes - the battle begins
Manchester United manager David Moyes smiles during a pre-football match press conference in Hong Kong on July 28, 2013.

SINGAPORE - As the countdown to the Manchester United- Chelsea blockbuster next Tuesday (Singapore time) begins, our columnist sits in on a conversation between managers David Moyes and Jose Mourinho as they discuss the upcoming fixture and the transfer tension between both clubs.

Mourinho: Hello David, I thought it was important we meet privately before we play, so we can discuss our issues like adults... please let me have Wayne Rooney, please, please, pretty please.

Moyes: Get off your knees, Jose. You're ruining my carpet. Why should I sell him to Chelsea? Give me one reason.

Mourinho: I am the Special One.

Moyes: I thought you said you were the Happy One.

Mourinho: That was just for the newspapers. Really, I am the Special One. Everybody knows this. You know this.

Moyes: Look, Rooney is going nowhere. I want him scoring goals against you at Old Trafford next week. I don't want him scoring goals against us. Besides, he's happy here. I played him against Swansea and he's happy again.

Mourinho: Are you kidding? He looked like a constipated tortoise. He also moved like a constipated tortoise. Either he's unhappy with the club or he's unhappy with the club toilets. Either way, he needs to come to Chelsea. Name your price.

Moyes: Fine. I'll have Juan Mata, Eden Hazard, Oscar and a partridge in a pear tree.

Mourinho: I can get you a partridge in a pear tree.

Moyes: I don't need a bird. I've already got a lame duck in Anderson.

Mourinho: Why are you being so unfair, so ridiculous?

Moyes: If I give you Rooney, I will be giving you the English Premier League trophy as well.

Mourinho: Why? Does he keep it at his house?

Moyes: No, of course not. He gave it back after Sir Alex Ferguson stepped down.

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