Offside: Let the others do the talking

Jose Mourinho claimed that Chelsea's club masseur gave the team talk when the Blues beat Manchester City recently. Here is what we imagined it would be like if other employees were to give the pep talk ahead of tonight's two big matches.

Manchester United v Liverpool

Team talk from United's feng shui master -  Fight on. Don't give up although this season we won't be getting any medals.

But I promise everybody a discount on my Divine Lucky Water Fountain. Wayne Rooney, you can buy 100 for everyone based on your weekly salary.

Support David Moyes. His fortune will improve once I exorcise the Giant Demon Of Hopelessness out of him.

I just don't have the resources to do that now because making Robin van Persie stop whining uses up all my mystic herbs from China.

People say we don't frighten anyone at Old Trafford any more.

No, Liverpool will fear us. I've put the curse of the Fiery Red Devil on them. I gave them tea that'll make them dash to the loo during penalty kicks.

Team talk from Liverpool's tea lady -  Right, lads, spit out all that complimentary rubbish tea from Man United.

Drink my English Churchill one instead. It'll give us that great bulldog spirit. Even for a sneaky foreigner like you, Luis Suarez.

Lads, we can beat United. In fact, even our Tea Ladies Team can beat United.

So I expect SAS (Suarez and Sturridge), SASAS (Suarez and Sturridge and Sterling) or GWP (Gerrard with Penalty) to score.

But not you, Kolo Toure. One more own goal from you and I'll expose you as the Man City saboteur I suspect you are.

Win one for the gaffer, boys.

Our Brendan Rodgers is the anti- Jose. As shrewd as Mourinho, but much nicer to give your kidney to.

Tottenham v Arsenal

Team talk from Spurs' grass cutter - Friends, what happened to you? How did our team collapse so suddenly when we had a good chance of breaking into the Top Four?

I mean Top Four of the Premier League. Not the Premier Grass-cutting League of which I'm grateful for Erik Lamela's help since he's so free doing nothing.

Do you miss Jermain Defoe who has gone to Canada?

Don't tell me you miss AVB (Andre Villas-Boas) who's gone MIA? Emmanuel Adebayor, I can see you giggling.

Where has our confidence gone? Where are our 3Cs - class, charisma and, as manager Tim Sherwood mentioned, character?

Spurs' problem has always been the fourth C - conundrum.

Even we don't understand ourselves.

COYS! Come on you sods, er, sorry, Spurs.

Team talk from Arsenal's trophy polisher - It's been nine long years since I polished a new trophy.

I feel so embarrassed earning a salary for nothing. You know what I'm talking about, Nicklas Bendtner.

We're out of the Champions League but there's still the FA Cup, which is okay because I married my second-choice girlfriend for 30 years.

Let's get cracking against Spurs.

No, Mesut Oezil, I said "cracking", not "slacking".

Arsene Wenger keeps saying we can win the title.

But, between us laddies, I think that old chap's been counting the pennies in his pension for too long.

I have faith that you boys are going to get me something to shine.

One of you must provoke a headbutt from Newcastle manager Alan Pardew.

At least I'll have a forehead to polish.

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