Prescription to treat Luis

Prescription to treat Luis
Uruguay's striker Luis Suarez, banned from football for four months after biting an opponent at the World Cup, holds his son Benjamin as he greets fans from his mother's home in Lagomar, in the department of Canelones, near Montevideo, on June 27, 2014.

Dear Fifa,

Thank you for referring this young man, Luis Suarez, to me.

I treated him for five hours - four of which were spent measuring the size of his mouth, sharpness of his teeth and depth of his throat cavity.

I have to admit that his mouth is certainly the most interesting I've examined. I've spent 40 years in clinical psychiatry but I've never seen a teething problem as acute as this - since all my previous patients were aged only about 27 months, not 27 years old.

I can safely conclude that Mr Suarez is human. He's not a shark, piranha, mad dog or related in any way to a werewolf or vampire. So, you can return all those tranquillisers for sedation back to the World Wildlife Fund or Spain's national team, whichever one you ordered from.

I can also conclude that Mr Suarez, with his insatiable appetite for goals, is and always will be a very hungry man.

Like Mike Tyson, the ex-boxing animal who once bit off the ear of Evander Holyfield, he's a very emotional creature.

However, unlike former basketball star, Dennis Rodman, who goes to North Korea for couples therapy with Kim Jong Un, Mr Suarez isn't suited for the insane asylum.

I advise against it because, apart from his big mouth, there doesn't seem to be anything else wrong with him.

No, I strongly urge that Mr Suarez be excused from the dressing room and be sent to a restaurant instead before the start of every match.

I suggest, however, that Dutch, Serbian and now Italian food be taken off the menu since he has already tasted footballers of such nations and, as in rehabilitating a man-eating tiger, we should wean him off those flavours.

For his well-being, Mr Suarez should also not be permitted to watch TV series Hannibal, movie Jaws nor listen to the music of 1980s British band Fine Young Cannibals.

Now, I understand that Fifa has imposed a substantially heavy ban of four months and nine games for Uruguay on Mr Suarez. I suppose that is necessary to put some bite into his punishment.

I wish him a speedy recovery.

Dr Sigmund Fraud

Sports psychiatrist


This article was first published on June 29, 2014.
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