When a game is this dull, straws are clutched faster than Miley Cyrus in see-through underwear.
Apparently, the former child star will do anything to further her career; dance provocatively at this week's VMA Awards, perform lewd acts on stage and wear racy clothes... but she draws the line at putting in a transfer request.
Who would have thought that Miley Cyrus and Wayne Rooney would have so much in common? One will risk offending everyone to push a career forward and the other licks her lips and jiggles her bottom at the crowd.
At least Cyrus' car crash of a "live" performance was entertaining in a comically horrifying kind of way. Yesterday morning's 0-0 draw between Manchester United and Chelsea was often more painful than a hair weave.
So the straws came out quickly for clutching. If all else fails, bring on the Roo and Mou show.
Almost everything Rooney and Jose Mourinho did at Old Trafford was highlighted or exaggerated to manufacture interest and excitement.
Whenever Rooney touched the ball - or his name was mentioned - the CSI Transfer Team were called in to analyse the smallest incidents in forensic detail.
When he smashed a magical cross-field pass out wide, he was clearly committed to United's cause.