Ms Sugarpova regrets that she cannot come out to play on Saturday.
She would, nevertheless, kinda like to use the stage to sell her candies to the kiddies, her Nike range to the players, her exclusive scent and fashion line and soap opera story to anyone out there who tunes in for this year's final Grand Slam, the US Open at Flushing Meadows, New York.
Even as a mere male, I admit that line has a certain bitchiness.
Sugarpova, however, was invented by other script writers.
It is the name of a range of sweets that Maria Sharapova is pushing at children. Having launched the product to coincide with last year's tournament, the tennis star and her publicity team had a brainwave to boost sales this week.
They applied to the Supreme Court of Florida to rename her in time for the tournament.
Had it gone through, the scheme was for the No.3 seed to be billed as Maria Sugarpova.
Red tape spoiled the plot. While her agent was in full denial of the story, Sharapova said on camera that she wanted to do it, but the logistics just couldn't be overcome in time for the US Open starts on Monday.