Time to clear the air in the EPL

With the new English Premier League season having just kicked off, the Big Five teams need to settle these matters right off the bat:

Chelsea

Absolute musts are a bigger trophy room and playground, since Jose Mourinho is boasting like a bully who just made another 10 victims cry.

He's bragging that Chelsea can win everything - EPL title, Champions League, Nobel Prize, even the Academy Award if Didier Drogba gets Best Actor for diving again.

Chelsea now resemble a playground where squabbles occasionally happen, such as Petr Cech with a disrespectful younger kid Thibaut Courtois. Or where sad children go sobbing in a corner. Yes, that's Fernando Torres missing yet another open goal.

Manchester City

They must give Yaya Toure his belated birthday party, just to get unfinished business settled.

Next, despite being the league's richest ATM, they haven't changed their squad spectacularly except landing Chelsea legend, Frank Lampard, on loan.

So besides firing their scouts, they should also hire a hypnotist to trick Lampard into believing that his new club song, Blue Moon, is better than his old manager, Blue Mou.

Manuel Pellegrini must also be able to differentiate between Fernandinho and Fernando. Just call them "Ho" and "No Ho".

Arsenal

Arsene Wenger is so happy and rejuvenated after spending big money on Alexis Sanchez. Hence, the Gunners need to engage a psychiatrist because the Frenchman is starting to believe in his own legend again.

He's talking trophies when his main frontman is still Olivier Giroud. Meanwhile, he believes he has about 20 midfielders who can score goals. Is it perfection or delusion? Only the shrink can tell.

Manchester United

A coronation will be held for King Louis van Gaal, with the Dutchman's proclamation of overturning things at "broken" Man United.

Now that the captain is Wayne Rooney, the cock fight between him and Robin van Persie as Alpha Male has been cancelled. But don't worry. Many fights of the rooster kind are guaranteed as van Gaal is a cocky fella.

Liverpool

Brendan Rodgers needs to do three things. One, write a letter of apology to Louis van Gaal for foolishly warning the Man United manager that the EPL is going to be very tough for him.

Two, oversee the closing down of Southampton after gutting them of three major players like a butcher carving a pig.

Three, return the toothbrush which serial-chomper Luis Suarez left in the Anfield dressing room back to its rightful owner.

It's sort of tainted and besides, nobody's teeth are strong enough for its steel-hard bristles except its former owner.

stsports@sph.com.sg

This article was first published on Aug 17, 2014.
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