WACKY BOXING DAY
It's that time of year when grown men dress in funny red and white clothes and go a little crazy.
But enough about Vincent Tan, let's talk Christmas presents. It's that time of year to give away lots and lots of gifts. But enough about West Ham's defence, let's try and focus here.
Here's what each EPL team really need from Santa.
- A batphone
It's red, obviously, it only has one line and it only ever calls one destination: Sam Allardyce's office.
Christmas is a time for miracles, but even Christmas couldn't flog Andy Carroll, Stewart Downing and Joe Cole to West Ham for more than $50 million (not including wages). That's not a miracle. That's insanity.
The Reds kept their crown jewels and sold the scrap metal to the Hammers. The batphone should call Fabio Borini any day now.
2) MANCHESTER CITY
- Travel sickness pills
During cheap, childhood seaside holidays with the family as a kid, my sister would eat all her sweets before we left our house, drink all the Ribena before we left the street and throw up in the back seat before we left the town.
For years, she couldn't travel anywhere without smelling of stale vomit. She still travelled better than Manchester City.