Win, lose or bore...England won't change

Win, lose or bore...England won't change

The Three Lions face a couple of critical World Cup qualifiers in the coming days.

As former England manager Graham Taylor used to say, the first game against Montenegro will be "a real test".

As Taylor's assistant Phil Neal used to say, the second game Poland will be "a really big test". Win both games and Roy Hodgson's men are on the road to Rio.

Lose either game and the players will be shakier than Jack Wilshere when he's caught smoking.

Skipper Steven Gerrard has called the Montenegro and Poland contests the most important England games since the last important England games.

So here is a definitive guide to what you can expect in the next few days, depending on the results. If England beat Montenegro...

The English will be considered runaway favourites to win the World Cup - by the English.

Fifa might as well hand Gerrard the trophy now to save time. Publishing deals will be signed among key England players to release autobiographies, which will be scheduled to come out within days of the World Cup final (about two weeks after the Three Lions get knocked out of the tournament).

If England draw against Montenegro... Hodgson will praise his brave boys (England players are always brave when they earn a point against 11 able-bodied opponents).

His tactics of employing nine players to stand in a line and join hands on the edge of the penalty box may be questioned, particularly by Wayne Rooney who could only communicate with his teammates via WhatsApp.

If England lose against Montenegro... England will be called the worst national side in the history of mankind - by the English.

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