Gisele barks like a dumb dog: TNP DJ/journo

Gisele barks like a dumb dog: TNP DJ/journo
Brazilian top model Gisele Bundchen.

There's this thing that happens with supermodels where, when they open their mouths, they don't seem as beautiful any longer. It's like a spell is broken.

In magazines, they look so sublime, so otherworldly, and you somehow trick yourself into believing that their voices will match.

I always imagine them sounding like Galadriel from The Lord Of The Rings, like when she talks to Frodo - "Cooome tooo meee, Frooo-dooo".

But then they start flapping their gums and reveal themselves to be ordinary humans, or even less than ordinary because they've never been forced to develop a personality like the rest of us.

When it comes to singing, the effect is even more off-putting.

Exhibit A: Brazilian hottie Gisele Bundchen's cover of US rock band Blondie's 1979 single Heart Of Glass for fashion retailer H&M's latest campaign.

It's horrifying.

Blondie frontwoman Debbie Harry purred like a cat. Bundchen barks like a dog. A dumb dog.

She sings without an ounce of subtlety or grace or flair. With her monotonous, ham-handed delivery, she strips the words of all emotional meaning.

It honestly just sounds like "woof-woof-woof" to me. The rest of the song is equally dire.

They've replaced drummer Clem Burke's snappy beat with a lame drum machine.

The bouncy bass and sprightly guitars are gone, and in their stead, we get crappy EDM robot bloops.

The hypnotic, throbbing synth line has been jettisoned in favour of idiotic 80s-style hand claps.

It is undoubtedly the Second Worst Song Of All Time, coming right after Billy Ray Cyrus' remake of Achy Breaky Heart.

It's a shame really, because Blondie are currently celebrating their 40th anniversary and they deserve a lot better.

FIERCE AS EVER

Of course I'm biased - they're my favourite band of all time. Amazingly enough they're still active, and 68-year-old Harry is as fierce as ever.

The weird thing is that, in her day, she was even more beautiful than Bundchen, and yet she still bothered to develop a talent aside from having her picture taken.

If you never listen to anything else I say - because why would you? - at least take my advice and check out some original Blondie songs.

In addition to Heart Of Glass, I recommend Rapture, Atomic, Dreaming, The Tide Is High, Call Me, Union City Blue, Shayla, The Hardest Part and One Way Or Another.

Harry does sound like Galadriel, if Galadriel was from New Jersey.

If you like what you hear, keep an ear out for Blondie's new album, Ghosts Of Download, coming May 13, and a greatest hits collection as part of the two-disc set.

This article was published on April 30 in The New Paper.

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