Scarlett Johansson is hot, but she's not that hot.
She is certainly not the Sexiest Woman Alive, as decreed by the people at Esquire magazine last month.
In her new film Don Jon, which opens here tomorrow, she plays the dream girl of the Jersey Shore-esque title character (Joseph Gordon-Levitt).
Don thinks that she's a "dime" - a perfect 10. His best friend doesn't agree and I don't either. She's at best an 8.5. That means, mathematically, there are some smouldering girls out there who are up to 1.5 points sexier than her.
Jason Johnson, who looks like a Fraggle and has absolutely no business judging other people's appearance, sets out to prove that ScarJo is just so-so.
There's something very bovine - cow-like - about Johansson's face.
The 28-year-old US actress looks slow-eyed and slightly dumb, as if she'd just rather be snoozing. Her cheeks are chubby and her lips are oddly shaped, particularly the bottom lip, which looks like a too-plump hotdog.
Her colouration is rather bland, with her creamy skin, blonde hair and pale green eyes all about the same washed-out tone.
Johansson has a wonderfully womanly and curvy body, but there are a million football mums out there who have that too. She stands about 1.6m tall, which is the exact average height of Caucasian females in the US.
She boasts an impressive bosom and derriere, but she's not particularly well toned and comes across as rather squishy. Her limbs are stumpy and she looks absolutely incapable of performing any physical feat aside from lounging on a sofa and eating Lay's.
Johansson seems like a cool chick, but that's part of the problem - she's too down-to-earth to be sexy. She's smart, funny and self-effacing in interviews. Her voice is husky and manly.
There's nothing flirty or coy about her.