Scarlett Johansson is a singer.
Or at least she's trying to be.
She just started a new band called The Singles and they have already released their first song, Candy.
Johansson said in her press release that she wanted The Singles to be reminiscent of 80s girl groups like The Go-Go's and The Bangles.
The Singles, so far, don't sound like The Go-Gos or The Bangles at all.
Those groups are awesome.
At best, Candy puts one in mind of Debbie Gibson.
There's a lot of 80s-type stuff floating around these days, and the groups that have really nailed it are Chvrches and Future Islands.
Chvrches have a wonderful female lead singer in Lauren Mayberry, and she really makes Johansson sound like the amateur she is.
So here's the thing about actors becoming musicians: They're just too dumb.
The thing that gets an actor into the party is his or her looks.
End of story.
They are puppets for writers and directors.
To be a great musician, on the other hand, you have to have something going on inside you. Your brain has to function at a somewhat higher level.
And you have to have a specific sort of talent.
This holds true even for singers who don't play instruments or write their own music.
Beyonce isn't a songwriter, but she's a gifted performer who can convey emotion through her voice alone.
Johansson's voice is just flat-out flat.
As an actress, the 30-year-old may not be very expressive but she's so fantastic-looking that you can't turn away.
In a song, stripped of her advantages as a babe, she's a very dull girl.
She released a couple of albums back in the Noughties - Anywhere I Lay My Head and Break Up - that scientists have since used to cure insomnia in lab rats.
They are now testing on human subjects, but the worry is that they'll slip into comas and never awaken.
Look, I hate to sound like such a jerk.
As far as I'm concerned, everyone should be making music.
It's just kind of sad that there are so many truly talented musicians out there who will never be heard, and Johansson can just saunter to the head of the line based on her fame.
Not every actor can be a rock star like Jared Leto.
At least Johansson can comfort herself with the fact that she's almost as pretty as Leto.
This article was first published on Feb 25, 2015.
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