At the top of the least

Young and eager to change the world? Bam! You are Time's Most Influential Teen.

Brainy bombshell? Probably FHM's Sexiest Woman In The World.

Hunky A-lister and every woman's fantasy? Hello there, People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.

The typical honour rolls celebrate the best and nothing less.

But do not be disheartened if you are mediocre. GQ's list of this year's Least Influential People takes care of that.

The tongue-in-cheek ranking calls to attention 30 people who "took up vast clouds of oxygen, gave us back nothing of use, and probably helped accelerate the death of our planet".

In other words, they are pretty much known as useless, insignificant or facepalm-worthy. Ouch.

Before you scoff at its idiocy, a disclaimer: This list is best taken with a mountain of salt.

And it's probably the first list in which we totally agree that the celebrity contenders chosen are well-deserving and non-controversial (yes, we're still reeling over how Benedict Cumberbatch was robbed of his People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive accolade by Chris Hemsworth!).

Case in point: Robin Thicke. Remember how big-headed the US singer got after last year's Blurred Lines success, followed by his cheating scandal?

Remember his subsequent pity party this year to win back his actress-wife Paula Patton with his failed album Paula?

FALL FROM GRACE

The hitmaker's fall from grace has been widely documented this year.

And to top it all off, the unrepentant loser is rumoured to be seeing a 19-year-old model named April Love Geary.

Thicke makes me sick, but he still lost out to Bono and his band U2, who came out tops because of their failed marketing strategy for their latest album Songs Of Innocence.

The once-credible Irish rock act had forced their songs, free of charge, on some 500 million iTunes users in September in a move some called an intrusion of privacy.

Guess how well that worked out?

The list also includes US actors Johnny Depp and Shia LaBeouf.

GQ was not impressed that Depp's long list of movie characters never included "an actual person" who "could plausibly exist in real life". Sorry, GQ.

They may be larger-than-life but I like my Captain Jack Sparrow, Willy Wonka and Edward Scissorhands.

I am more concerned about his drunkenness while delivering a curse-filled speech at the recent Hollywood Film Awards.

LaBeouf did not do himself any favours with his "asinine" paper bag act in February at the Berlin Film Festival.

Apart from cut-outs for eyes, he had written "I Am Not Famous Anymore" on it. It came shortly following his apparent retirement from the spotlight after facing attacks for plagiarism on his short film Howard Cantour.com.

I have to agree with GQ. The only thing these men influenced me to do was to pay attention to someone else.

So to U2 and company, congratulations, I guess?

GQ on non-celebs who made the cut

#2 BARACK OBAMA

"Missouri is BURNING. Putin is conquering Europe. The CDC is playing nude Twister with Ebola patients. U2 is forcing bad songs on everyone... I need you ON THIS. Are you even president any more?"

#30 (US) COPS

"The whole point of having police officers is to maintain law and order, which means they become useless when they decide to arm themselves like a bunch of space soldiers in Halo... We'd be better off arming our cops with lollipops."

This article was first published on November 26, 2014.
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