She's all about that bass, 'bout that bass. No treble.
The song by Meghan Trainor was replaying in my head as I kept seeing this photo of a woman's big bare bottom on my Facebook timeline last week.
Or should it be "bare big bottom"? English is hard.
I know what you're thinking.
"Of course, you would see pictures of women's big asses on Facebook. That's because you 'liked' the Big Ass page."
Well, that's true, but I'll have you know that Big Ass is the name of a Thai rock band and they post surprisingly few pictures of actual big asses, if any.
Fortunately, unlike Sir Mix-A-Lot, I don't really like big butts and I do lie on occasion.
So this omnipresent photo of this woman's nude glutes isn't very appealing to me. I would rather watch Sun Ho's China Wine video again. Asian-reggae fusion rocks! (Yes, I'm lying.)
Further reducing the photo's appeal is that the woman is in a squatting position, like she is relieving herself.
I know that there are people who are into coprophilia, which is a fetish for faeces, since there is actually a word for it but I am not one of those people.
And I'm not lying about that.
I could never understand perverts who install hidden cameras in women's toilet stalls and not, say, changing rooms or shower areas. I guess that's why they're called perverts.
So why were people on social media so eager to share this photo of a woman relieving herself like it's the latest Ebola news or Robin Williams tribute? Are they coprophiliacs?
No, it was because the woman was relieving herself in a public place with people walking by.
Such scatological incidents have made news before.
Last month, it was reported that passengers on a Delta Airlines flight from Beijing to Detroit revolted after being revolted by a Chinese family who allowed a boy to defecate in the plane's aisle.
And earlier this year in Hong Kong, a couple from China letting their child defecate on a public street also got many people rather P.O.-ed.
These incidents and other things I have read have led me to suspect that people relieving themselves in public is not all that uncommon in some countries.
So at first I thought the photo of the squatting woman was taken overseas.But then I saw the unmistakable SMRT logo on a sign in the background.
Holy crap, this happened near an MRT station! In Singapore!
Wait, could this be the same woman who was caught on CCTV urinating in the lift at the Peennacle@Duxton several weeks ago?
Or is she one of the participants of the Penang Nude Sports Games 2014?
No, wait. Those were just "naturists". Just because they like being naked in the open doesn't mean they like to do everything in the open.
Do what exactly? Actually, there's some debate over whether the woman in the photo was urinating or defecating.
Judging by the lack of distance between the floor and the bottom of her bottom in the photo, my guess is that it was No. 1. There was just not enough clearance for her to produce a proper stool.
But a witness said the woman had diarrhoea. That makes No. 2 a possibility as there was enough clearance for watery stool.
The second theory gained more credence with the emergence of a second photo, which showed the woman standing up and wiping her backside.
If it was No. 1, she would've wiped her front side. (Or so I'm told by other women.)
Another witness also said the woman "wiped her bottom with a tissue and placed it in her bag".
Now that doesn't make sense. Why would she keep the soiled tissue?
She had just done unspeakable things to the floor outside the MRT station and she was worried about littering?
She may be a public defecator, but she's no litterbug.
An SMRT spokesman said: "She's believed to be of unsound mind."
That would explain a lot.
What's even more incredible is that the first photo showed people walking past the defecating woman like it's the most normal thing in Singapore.
I suppose if I were a passer-by, I would pretend not to see her too because it was too disgusting to behold.
I won't even mention the smell.
Looking at her would make me feel like a pervert, specifically a coprophiliac.
Let's say if I had diarrhoea in public from eating too many satay burgers, I would also want people to pretend not to see me.
Partly because I'm a little embarrassed by my fat butt, a result of eating too many satay burgers.
As Meghan Trainor sings: "Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two."
You will notice this as you watch me go No. 2.
Unlike the woman in the photo, I may litter afterwards.
This article was published on Aug 17 in The New Paper.
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