Dear Board of Manchester United,
I hereby formally submit my application to be the new manager of Manchester United.
I understand that you are considering Louis van Gaal but he is busy preparing the Netherlands for the World Cup while I can start right now today, this very minute, since I'm coming only with my teacup.
In fact, unlike van Gaal and his Dutch entourage of van-this and van-that, I don't even need a moving van. You can use that money to buy Edinson Cavani.
Let me tell you straight off - I'm not a fan of Manchester United.
Which is good because I won't be sentimental when I tell Rio Ferdinand to take a chunk off his gigantic salary and become the pin salesman at our souvenir shop.
You can use that money to buy Toni Kroos.
I know how important it is to be thrifty. My next-door neighbour just got his front door splashed by a loan shark because he's in worse debt than your owners, the Glazer family.
Unlike David Moyes who was disrespectfully laughed at by everyone at Old Trafford, I'll seize instant control of the dressing room when I instruct Wayne Rooney to pay for his own hair weaves from now on.
And unlike Alex Ferguson, I'll actually lend him my hair-dryer.
You can use that money saved to pay Marouane Fellaini to go far, far away.
See? Just by sending you this application, I've already made more positive contributions than Moyes . In fact, unlike poor-rabbit-in-dragon's-den Moyes, I assure you this won't be my first big job.
It would be my second after last Wednesday when I stayed up all night, saw Atletico Madrid destroy Chelsea in the Champions League and successfully fed my goldfish at the same time.
Football has changed drastically since then. Madrid has become the centre of power and Real Madrid have become totally unreal. Hence, my No. 1 mission is to get Cristiano Ronaldo back, or at the very least, put a poster of his damn hot girlfriend on my office wall.
Either way, the ghost of Miserable Moyes will definitely be exorcised forever.
I know the question at the top of your minds. Can I handle the pressure? Can I stare down, say, Jose Mourinho?
Frankly no, I don't think I can. But this is a very good thing, gentlemen.
At least when the airplane flies overhead with the banner, it'd read: "Wrong One - Thank you for warning us".
I await my appointment most eagerly
This article was published on May 4 in The Straits Times.
Get a copy of The Straits Times or go to straitstimes.com for more stories.