Making peace by listening and persuading

SINGAPORE- He is a formidable lawyer who saved a criminal from the gallows - twice - but the courtroom tiger turns pussycat when he puts on his peacemaker's hat.

Mr Amolat Singh is among a group of people here who have persuaded sworn enemies to shake hands, dissolved decades-long family feuds and transformed lawsuits into business deals.

Meet the magicians of mediation, who conjure conciliations from near-impossible disputes.

There are more than 400 trained mediators here whom the Singapore Mediation Centre can call on, and their day jobs can be anything from neurosurgeon to ship's captain.

What they do share in common are possessing a listening ear, empathy for the people they help, the gift of persuasion and the ability to cut through the "noise" to get to the root of the problem.

Mr Singh believes in taking a step back into the Asian society of old, to the days of the village council or community elder.

"Not everything has to be about a winner and a loser. In mediation, both sides can be victorious," said Mr Singh, 57.

In one instance, he said, two colleagues had been exchanging insults via e-mail, and both were so furious that they were prepared to sue each other for defamation.

They eventually chose mediation instead. "They were given the chance to speak freely and, suddenly, they realised that there had been a lot of misconceptions resulting in bruised feelings," he said.

Both parties meant well for their company, but the disagreement started because their job scopes had not been clearly defined, and each was protective of his turf, he added.

"Each said their piece, and it was like bleeding the poison. It was resolved with a handshake and an apology," he said.

Architect Johnny Tan, 59, recalled the case of a home owner who refused to pay a contractor for what he claimed was shoddy work.

"Emotive words were exchanged, and what surfaced was that the contractor, who had many years of experience, was insulted that the quality of his work was in question.

"In the end, the home owner agreed to apologise, and the contractor gave him a discount," said Mr Tan.

Mr V. Krishna recalls how there were eight parties involved in one of his cases where a management corporation was threatening to sue a condominium developer to the tune of several million dollars.

The parties ranged from the developer to the architects and contractors.

"At first, it looked like the talks would break down. But in the end, they settled with a solution that was acceptable to all parties," said the 77-year-old civil engineer, who has been a mediator since the Singapore Mediation Centre (SMC) was set up in 1997.

The parties in that case shared the costs and paid the management corporation to repair the defects.

So, how do the mediators do it? It is a mix of art and science.

"We never judge," said Mr Tan.

"Listening is very important, not just to what is said, but what remains unsaid.

"And it is best to get a decision made by the end of the day. I have stayed past midnight to knock out a solution so we can walk out of the room happy."

Mr Singh acknowledges that mediation requires very different skills from litigation.

"It is a friendly process," he said. "You do not go there to demolish the other side. It is really a paradigm shift in how we are trained as lawyers.

"And I always tell the parties involved that when your own lawyer advises you to mediate, something which is against his pecuniary interests, it is probably good advice."

He also appeals to their common sense.

"I tell them that if they go to court, there will be a lengthy case, they will have to pay hefty costs to lawyers and expert witnesses, and have no guarantee of a win.

"I ask them if the emotional cost and opportunity cost are worth it."

Just as more people are now turning to mediation to solve disputes, more are also undergoing training to become mediators. According to the SMC, 244 people have been trained in basic mediation this year, double last year's figure.

Those in the field say that mediation becomes not just part of their work, but a passion and a way of life.

Mr Singh, for instance, said his daughters have noticed a change in his behaviour since he became a mediator three years ago.

"They say, 'Daddy, now you don't just tell us 'you do this' but listen to what we say and ask us what we want,'" he said with a laugh. "But in marriage, my wife has always run the show."

Although the work may be tough, the emotional payoffs can be huge.

Take the tale of a man, his two wives and their children.

After the man and his first wife died, their children fought with wife No.2 to get her share of the inheritance.

Mr Krishna was called in for a mediation session to prevent the situation from turning any uglier, before the parties landed in court.

"After talking to her, I realised that the second wife didn't care about the money and was willing to give it to the children so long as she was acknowledged as part of the family," he said.

At first, the siblings resisted, but Mr Krishna persevered.

"I managed to persuade the children to do that, and the scene changed from one where they could barely look at each other to hugs and tears all around," he said.

"It was so touching, it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it."

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