Man with stage 2 cancer takes care of wife with dementia: 'My dream is for her to recover'

SINGAPORE - "I, take you to be my wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part." 53 years ago, a young Mdm Kang Ngo Hwee (79) entrusted her life to the man she loved, Mr Poh Khuat (78).

Married in 1964, the couple's life was not exactly smooth sailing. Despite all the hardship, Mr Poh and Mdm Kang, who have three children together, led happy lives.

Little did they know that fate will eventually put their vows to test.

It began when Auntie Kang confused sugar with salt. But they dismissed it as part of aging. One day, she went missing. Fortunately, Uncle Poh managed to find her and brought her for consultation. It was only then did they realise she had dementia.

Auntie Kang was diagnosed with dementia in 2003. The news crushed their world. Auntie Kang was devastated. She used to be the wonder woman in the house, the super mum, the outstanding hawker chef. But now, even the most trivial tasks seem impossible without others' help. She felt hopeless and helpless. Angry at herself, Auntie Kang did the unthinkable - she resorted to self-mutilation.

Hurting herself with needles not only failed to relieve her psychological pain, it also broke Uncle Poh's heart. She is his wife, his pillar of support for over five decades and yet, there is absolutely nothing he can do to help her.

As the exact causes of dementia are unclear, it remains incurable till today. For the past 14 years, the couple has done everything they could to relieve the symptoms or slow the onset with treatment. Yet it is inevitable. Auntie Kang no longer recognises the man she loves, at least not until Uncle Poh speaks, for she only remembers his voice.

The Struggle

"When she first started losing her mobility, sometimes after I changed her diapers, we would hug and cry in each other's arms," cried Uncle Poh. "It is a terrible yet unspeakable feeling."

As days go by, not only did Auntie Kang lose her ability to speak, she can no longer recognise the love of her life.

Just when life seemed to have reached rock bottom for Uncle Poh, he was diagnosed with stage 2 lung cancer. Instead of worrying for his health, what mattered more to him was his wife's well-being.

As Uncle Poh had to begin his daily chemotherapy and radiotherapy treatments, he could no longer take care of his wife round the clock. Left with no other choice, he admitted Auntie Kang into a nursing home.

"Why not seek help from your children?" asked host Ken Low. "It is easy to leave her with our children, but what would happen to their lives? They have their own financial burden because they have kids to raise as well. So I will take care of her until I am unable to do so. Taking care of your wife is the responsibility of every husband," Uncle Poh replied calmly.

To make sure that his wife would receive the best care, Uncle Poh dragged his sick body to visit and monitor how several nursing homes operate. Some did not provide ample care to the patients and left him worried.

Even though Uncle Poh approves of the standard of care provided by the current nursing home Auntie Kang resides in, he still takes care of her meticulously everyday. When asked for a reason, Uncle Poh sheepishly answered, "it is not that I don't trust the nurses, but she has some habits only I know of. Sometimes I just look at her and I know what she wants, without having her to voice out her requests."

The Promise

"Aiya, it has been so long, I don't remember if she proposed to me or I proposed to her!" A cheeky Uncle Poh laughingly exclaims.

Memory loss does not seem to have made Uncle Poh's love for his wife falter. He visits Auntie Kang more than five times a day at the nursing home, occasionally holding a special bouquet in his hands.

"The 'Hwee' in her name means flower in chinese, so she loves flowers a lot. She is starting to not recognise me but I still tease her with flowers. Flowers make her smile and seeing her smile makes me smile." Although they have been married for over five decades, Uncle Poh still blushes like a young boy meeting his lover for the first time when he presented the flowers to his wife.

Applying moisturizer for his wife has become part of Uncle Poh's daily routine after she lost her ability to take care of herself. Despite Auntie Kang's personal hygiene practices have already been well taken care of by the nurses, Uncle Poh will still painstakingly remove her dentures and brush her teeth again. "Aiya, I wear dentures myself too, so I know how difficult it is to clean them properly. If not, later there are cavities in the teeth how?" Seeing how meticulous Uncle Poh takes care of his wife, one cannot fail to see his love for her.

"Aren't you sad when your wife does not respond to you or treat you coldly?" asks host Ken Low. "There are times I fought back my tears because I don't want to cry. Crying upsets her, I cannot bear to see her cry," Uncle Poh says.

"Ultimately, she is my wife. From the day she gave me her hand, I promised to take care of her forever. This is my responsibility and this is what marriage is all about. You are supposed to take care of each other till the end. Even if she does not recognise my voice in future, I will still take care of her forever."

The Dream

"Even though I know it is impossible, my dream is for her to recover," cried Uncle Poh. "Yet I know her illness is incurable. I feel so terrible about it."

However, Uncle Poh wishes to take a trip down the memory lane with Auntie Kang and revisit places special to them. He hopes that by doing so, it can help bring back some memories to Auntie Kang.

The Challenge

As Auntie Kang is wheelchair bound, the places need to be wheelchair-friendly. A special vehicle is also required to transport Auntie's wheelchair around. Details of the trip need to be thoroughly planned, so as to be able to highlight important parts to stimulate and revive her memories.

Although the team and Uncle knows that reviving memories is scientifically impossible for dementia patients, they are still willing to take the plunge as long as there is a possibility.

The Surprise

Three years ago, Uncle Poh wanted to surprise Auntie Kang by bringing her out to somewhere special to commemorate their 50-year union. He eventually dismissed the idea of celebrating their golden wedding anniversary due to financial constraints.

Never did Uncle Poh imagine the surprise awaiting them - a wedding photoshoot.

Amidst the makeover, an excited Auntie Kang keeps biting her lips. "She feels very touched. But she is unable to express herself in words," Uncle Poh explains with tears in his eyes.

Throughout the photoshoot, Auntie Kang can be seen grinning from ear to ear. One cannot say for certain whether she remembers her wedding 53 years ago, but you can definitely see the happiness in her eyes.

"A photograph takes an instant out of time, captures beautiful moments, and freezes them eternally." Unfortunately, Auntie Kang will forget everything one day. Hopefully these photographs can help her relive their fond memories and provide Uncle Poh with the strength to continue on optimistically.

Watch the tear-jerking video to witness their undying love.

For more stories on "Live Your Dream", please visit: www.zaobao.com/zvideos/live-your-dream

About "Live Your Dream" 

"Live Your Dream"（完成一个梦） is one of 10 SPH-produced short-form digital video series as part of a pilot Public Service Broadcast initiative. In this 13 episode series, host Ken Low Yong Kian (Digital Content Producer, Chinese Media Group Digital) will try his best to fulfil people's dreams no matter how challenging it may be. All episodes come with English subtitles.

This series is also available on zaobao.sg website, as well as the mobile app.