The daughter-in-law's survival guide

Mother-in-law Confessions
We polled 55 mothers-in-law about their relationships with their daughters-in-law.

Do you like your daughter-in-law?
62 per cent YES
38 per cent NO

Do you get along well with your daughter-in-law?
65 per cent YES
35 per cent NO

Respect your elders

It's a basic virtue, like having good manners.

Some mothers-in-law may take it as an indicator that you'll bring up their grandchildren with a sound value system too.

"Some families are more traditional than others, so greet your elders in order of seniority. If your grandparents-in-law or other senior members of the family are present at gatherings, greet them even before you greet your mother-in-law. It shows a healthy respect for them as individuals, and it's reassuring to know that you are likely to pass this on to your children." - Leong T.G., 58, secretary

Show some initiative

The next time you visit your in-laws, offer to help with chores, especially the ones they appear to be having difficulty with - like clearing out high drawers or dusty storerooms.

It's a nice gesture that shows you're caring and sensitive to the needs of seniors.

"Even if you don't live with your in-laws, offer to help with some chores - washing the dishes after meals or changing the cushion covers - when you visit. It always leaves an endearing impression and lets us know that you're capable of keeping a good home and taking care of your family." - Angela Ang, 62, administrative assistant

Speak the same language

If your in-law isn't fluent in English or Mandarin and you're hopeless at dialect, put some effort into learning to speak her language.

Get your husband to teach you a few basic greetings or phrases to get by first - it will be enough to impress and touch her.

"It's important for me and my mother to be able to communicate with and understand my daughter-in-law - it helps us rest easy to know that my son is well taken care of. So if your in-laws' family is only proficient in dialect, make an effort to learn to speak it - it's a big plus when you're willing to go the extra mile for them." - Lian T.Q., 56, homemaker

Stop seeing it as a competition

Some mothers-in-law never quite get over thinking of you as the "other woman" who's competing for her son's attention.

It's difficult, but don't let yourself fall into that trap too.

"Some mothers-in-law may still grapple with the fact that they have to share their (sometimes, only) son with you. So be patient and give her time and space with him; better yet, be the one to suggest one-to-one bonding time for him and his mother." - Ting J.L., 59, receptionist

Keep domestic problems between you and your husband

Never fight with your husband - or display the residue of an argument - in front of your in-laws.

Involving other people in what should be a private matter won't reflect well on you.

"It's very awkward for parents-in-law to know that you've just had a fight with our son, especially if we can see it on your face or in your tone of voice when you speak to him. So respect your hubby's feelings and be mindful not to put him in a spot in your in-laws' presence." - See W.L., 63, homemaker

Make her your friend

Mothers-in-law are often stereotyped as "dragon ladies", but they're not so bad once you get to know them.

More often than not, they just want to know that you'll make a good spouse for their sons.

"Don't be afraid to ring your mother-in-law up for a chat - chances are, she'll appreciate that you're trying to establish a relationship with her. But if you find it difficult to get started, approach her for advice - about a recipe or a housekeeping tip - first. After that, it's easier to steer the conversation to small talk." - Jennifer Tay, 66, retiree

"When you visit your in-laws, don't just greet them and remain quiet after that. Try to make conversation - it's nice to know that you're trying to get to know us too. Take the initiative to organise family activities, like meals or holidays, as it shows your readiness to interact with the rest of the family. Your in-laws will be happy to see such attempts at family bonding."  - Belinda Chan, 57, homemaker

Let them spend time with their grandchildren

It pains grandparents not to be in their grandkids' lives. Over time, it may become a bone of contention between you and your in-laws.

Turn the situation around and bond over your children instead - they'll appreciate you more for it.

"Parents are worried about having to do damage control when they leave their kids with their grandparents. But it's hard for us not to feel we have the privilege of spoiling them sometimes. My daughter-in-law has sat me down, respectfully, to establish ground rules - and that has helped our relationship. I've learnt to keep to her rules as their primary caregiver; she, in turn, trusts me to spend more time with my grandkids." - Rina Lee, 65, retiree

Communication is key

Keep an open heart and mind, and remember, your mother-in-law is just like anyone else - she may not realise that she has offended you.

"If you're living under the same roof, learn not to sweat the small stuff - put it down to both of you having a bad day and move on. But if you're unhappy about something, don't bottle it up thinking that it will help to keep the peace between you and your mother-in-law. It's crucial to clarify matters in order to come to a better understanding." - Thiam L.C., 61, cook

Be family-oriented

A good way for you to live in harmony with your mother-in-law is to show her that you can take good care of your family - it comforts her to know that her son and grandchildren are in good hands.

"Personally, I admire how my daughter-in-law manages to achieve a good work-life balance and almost never brings her work stress home, which has helped to build a positive, happy home for their family. When you disengage from the negativity at work, it's easier to be more patient and kind, and to enjoy spending time with one another; it also sets a good example for my grandchildren." - Seow C.N., 60, homemaker

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