I met this Argentinian girl during my undergraduate years in America and pursued her for five months. We became very close, but then I found out that she was actually dating someone back home. I retreated as I did not wish to interfere in her relationship (I was/am not entirely sure of her relationship situation).
However, I was shocked to find out later that she had cheated on her boyfriend with two other guys at the time I was pursuing her. I was devastated, not because she went for the other guys instead of me, but because I felt betrayed.
I have always thought of her as someone who is hardworking, loyal and rational, but her behaviour seemed to prove me wrong.
The trust was broken, thus I decided to stay away from her until I was able to reconcile with this saga. She kept telling me that she knew she had made a mistake and demonstrating to me that she wanted to preserve our friendship.
I was caught in this dilemma for several months until I was about to fly back home after graduation. Then, I decided to see her and talk to her because I thought we would never see each other again and she was still someone I cared about immensely. Our last meeting ended on good terms, and we have been keeping in touch on a regular basis.
Eighteen months have passed and our interaction has made me realise that I still have strong feelings for this girl. While my goal is no longer being in a relationship with her, I still have not got over her and feel that this is a big mistake on my part.
My anxiety is further compounded by the fact that I will be flying back to the US soon (I am doing my master's degree in Britain now) and there is a strong likelihood that we will see each other again (she is aware that I am coming back and offered to take me to the beach bars).
Instead of looking forward to meeting again, I am anxious and worried. I feel that if I still have feelings for her, I might not be in the best possible condition to see her.
To make matters worse, I don't know why I have this "wicked" idea of wanting to have physical intimacy with her (providing that she is not in a relationship anymore) as I feel that it is a good way of showing her my affections.
However, I am fearful of rejection, as it will severely hit my ego, and the fact that I am so inexperienced in this makes this plan even less likely to succeed. I also feel that this is a ridiculous plan and my request could easily turn things awkward and undermine our growing friendship/relationship.
It's still a few weeks to go before I land in the States, but this problem keeps bothering me and I don't know what to do. Please advise. - Tempted Lover
Dear Tempted Lover
Here you have a woman who is exotically foreign, fun, sexy, and very much in charge of her life. Just think of all those men who want her so badly, and yet here she is, wanting to see you! Wow, right? It's a stupendous lure and one that will have anyone's heart beating a little faster.
But my dear, think it through for a moment and you'll see that the romantic veil that hangs over this situation hides a rather ugly truth.
The dangerous lover is the staple feature of romance. The fact that she is different and so totally sexy is what attracts you. In a novel, she would acknowledge the mistakes of her past, change totally and you would both live out lives of utterly faithful romantic bliss.
But the reality is that this is a woman who cheats on her lovers. She is not the girl who makes a mistake and regrets it. This is someone for whom cheating is an everyday long-term habit.
Just think of how she's treated you. During those five months where you thought you had a close relationship, she was hiding a man back in her own country, and two other lovers - and for all you know, there were more.
This is a woman who cheats on her lovers. She is not the girl who makes a mistake and regrets it.
Now, can you imagine yourself doing that to someone? Can you imagine how much effort it would take you to lie to a partner who loves you, day in and day out? Honest people tell the truth and they suffer when they tell lies to their lovers. This woman had no problem lying to all of you.
If you hook up with her, all you can expect is heartbreak. As you pointed out, you can't trust her. You say you are still horribly attracted to her, and I'm hoping that you can see now that it is the danger that is luring you.
If you were a callous man, you might jump in and enjoy a wild ride with a woman who's not looking for commitment. After all, you're both consenting adults. But from your letter, you sound sweet, shy, principled and very good-hearted. I believe that giving in to the siren call of this woman would ultimately crush you.
My advice is: go to America, meet lots of exotic women who are fun, confident and sexy, and pick one who shares your honesty to build a lifetime of love with.