'He dumped me because I didn't seduce him right'

'He dumped me because I didn't seduce him right'

Dear Thelma,

I am in love with K who is the same age as me. Ours is a long distance relationship. We have never met each other in real life. We have only Skyped once, though we chat over the phone for hours. I know he truly loves me. Everything went smoothly for three months.

Then one day, K called to say he wanted to break up with me. He said our relationship wasn't working out. I was shocked and confused. When I pressed for the reasons, he couldn't give any. A few days later, he told me that I was fan-girling an artist too much, and that hurt him. Then he told me that he couldn't date a girl through social media. He said he made a huge mistake by falling in love with a girl through social media.

I was very hurt. I pleaded with him not to leave me but he didn't seem to bother at all. Then one day, K texted me saying:

"It seems u no longer miss me or no longer addicted to me. I was so worried u can't survive without me, but it seems u can. Sad but true."

That text made me realise that he still loves me. We started chatting over the phone again, but as friends this time.

We usually end our conversations arguing about our break-up. After a few days, K told me I was no good at seducing him. He said many girls out there could seduce him better than me.

His remarks pierced my heart. I still love him very much even though he has hurt me so many times. There were times when K asked me to move on. But I can't live without him. How do I get him back? - Broken-hearted


 

Dear Broken-hearted,

It's funny how love works, isn't it? You have never met this man, and have seen him only once via Skype. Yet, you love him.

Some may think this is absurd. They may wonder how two people who have never met each other can claim to be in love. Only you and K understand the connection you had, and what each meant to the other.

However, there are some aspects of the relationship that do not hold up when placed under scrutiny. For one, it is odd that he would suddenly find that the relationship is not working.

He seems to be looking for an excuse or reason to break off. First, he said he was upset by your fan-girling an artiste. Next, he said a relationship via social media was a bad idea. Then he tells you he expected you to fight to win him back after he broke up with you. One wonders what it is that he really wants.

His emotional maturity and security need to be called into question. Why should it upset him that you are a fan of an artiste? It is not like you are going to meet, fall in love with and marry this artiste! You are a fan. That is all there is to it.

Secondly, he wanted you to beg him to return to you. He was afraid you could not survive without him. Surely a relationship that has lasted three months over social media would not jeopardise someone's survival when it ended.

After all that, he can tell you that you are not good at seducing him. What does he want from you? If he thinks other women are better at seducing him, what is stopping him from seeing or being with them? What does he expect you to do?

All this put together indicates that he is trying to manipulate you. It sounds like he is a very insecure person and he is using you to boost his ego.

This then begs the question: Does he love you, or is he looking for validation for himself? It is likely the latter.

He plays these games and manipulates you to get what he wants. And what he wants is to feel good about himself.

Sure, we all have that desire. But the onus is on the individual to find the things that make them feel good about themselves. It is not the responsibility of the partner.

There are many kinds of love. Good love is one where people do not feel the way you do. They feel happy to give and receive love. Their love leads to each other's growth. The love becomes a safe space for each of them to be the best people they can be.

You have to ask yourself, is this the kind of love you feel? Is this the kind of love he gives you?

You respect his feelings. Does he respect yours? If he did, he would not be manipulating you the way he has been.

These are things you have to consider before you pursue this relationship further. It has only been three months and he treats you like this. How do you think it will be in the long run? Chances are, he isn't going to change and he will make you feel bad about yourself.

If you still want to pursue the relationship after considering all the points raised, you will need to have a serious discussion with K regarding his behaviour. You have to decide what it is you can put up with, and what you cannot, and be able to tell him so. Love means never being afraid to speak the truth about what and how you feel.

These things happen. You meet someone whom you grow really fond of. You pursue a relationship. You plan for the future together. The situation changes - you change or the other person changes; you spend time with each other and find there are things about the other person you don't like. You can end the relationship. No one will think any less of you. Neither should you think any less of yourself.

You are not compelled to save a bad relationship. Also, you do not have to pursue a relationship with someone who is not nice to you and does not treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

You will get over it. You will survive the break-up. It won't be a pleasant experience. Pain is hardly fun. Instead, pain makes you stronger. It makes you confront your fears. It makes you grow and mature. Once you are over it, you emerge a better person and one who loves herself enough to not put up with disrespect.

You can continue to be his friend. But make sure it is on your terms. You are important and your feelings matter. - Thelma

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