I'm best pals...with my ex-husband

I'm best pals...with my ex-husband

Though these celeb pairs are divorced (or should we say, "conspicuously uncoupled"), they get along great, dining, partying, and holidaying together. But can you really be friends after sharing a life - and a bed? Divorcee Julie Ng, 34, thinks so.

"Adam and I have been divorced for about two years now. We got married when we were quite young - he was 26 and I was 24 - and I guess both of us still had some growing up to do.

When we met, we'd both just started work - he at his family's company and I as an executive at an MNC. We clicked instantly and tied the knot two years later.

The first three years of marriage were blissful. We travelled often and talked about emigrating somewhere less stressful like Australia or Canada.

Over time, however, we drifted apart. Our working hours grew longer and, many nights, I fell asleep before Adam got home. We stopped going on holidays because we didn't have as much time off anymore.

Above all, we couldn't agree on when to start a family - he wanted kids immediately, but I wanted to wait. After I told him flat out that I wasn't ready, he withdrew from me.

He would simmer in silent anger and lash out occasionally, saying: "Maybe we shouldn't have gotten married."

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We also stopped having sex.

We'd grown distant by our fourth year of marriage. To make matters worse, whenever we attended family functions together, our relatives would ask why I wasn't pregnant yet.

I could sense Adam's resentment even though he didn't say anything.

After six years of marriage, I knew that I couldn't be with Adam anymore. We'd lost the connection we once had, and I felt like a stranger in my own house.

It wasn't fair to him, to be stuck with a woman who wasn't sure if she wanted to be a mum. When I told him this, he admitted he'd been feeling the same way.

We made a mutual decision to file for divorce a few months before me 32nd birthday. I blamed myself for the split.

I felt like I had deceived Adam because, before we got together, I was sure I wanted kids. He deserved better.

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There for each other

Surprisingly, we've managed to remain as pals after our divorce, although this didn't happen overnight.

After we split up, Adam helped me move to a rented apartment. There were still feelings, but not romantic love.

It felt like the closeness you'd have towards your sibling.

That said, it was still hard to let go and there were tears when I moved out. During our first year apart, Adam would call from time to time and find out what was happening in my life.

The conversations were superficial - no deep, heart-to-heart talks - and lasted only a few minutes but I was comforted to know he still cared.

I'll admit that hearing his voice stirred up feelings. I missed him.

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Once or twice, I wondered if I'd made a mistake and cried myself to sleep. But I tried to look forward.

About a year after we'd split, Adam suggested lunch. It was our first meeting as friends and I expected it to be emotional.

But it ended up very cordial, as we talked about how we were moving on with our lives. We were like two friends catching up again.

It felt good. It felt right.

Since then we've tried to meet every couple of weeks for lunch. In fact, I feel something is amiss if we don't see each other for a while.

I still genuinely care about Adam - there's no reason why I shouldn't. Our split was amicable and we have a history together.

I still want to be a part of his life, but on a platonic basis.

We text and Facebook occasionally, and call each other to chat like regular friends.

Adam's my go-to sounding board whenever I have work problems. And occasionally, I'll ask him out if I need a running buddy.

Likewise, he invites me to check out new restaurants and cafes with him once in a while.

But I believe in boundaries. I avoid "date" activities like movies, drinks and dancing at a club.

Sleepovers and holidays are definite nos. I don't want use to get hurt.

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Friends for life

A few close friends know that Adam and I meet up, and they don't approve. They think we should remain apart.

I disagree. I'm certain I have no desire to get back together with Adam. He's like a big brother and a best friend.

In fact, it's such a turn-off to think about kissing or having sex with him!

I haven't seen anyone else since my divorce, but I heard from my friend that Adam's been on a few dates recently. I'm happy for him.

He hasn't spoken to me about it, but if he ever asks me for dating advice, I'll be glad to give it to him.

I don't know how I'd feel if we had to stop hanging out though - I'm sure any girlfriend of his wouldn't like how close we are, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I understand that not every divorced couple can enjoy the friendship we have.

In fact, if our split had been messier, Adam and I might not be so chummy now.

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But I believe it's still possible to be friends with your ex, only because you once shared a life together.

The key to transitioning into it smoothly is to forgive and create safe boundaries. Above all, go into it with an open heart and mind."

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CAN YOUR EX BE A "BEX"?

It's slang for an ex who is your best friend and, yes, it's possible. Just keep these in mind:

1. Don't rush into being friends

Take time to pursue your hobbies or reconnect with other friends.

These will develop your confidence and give you more to talk about with your ex when you do meet up, says Vanessa Marin, a sex and relationship counsellor from San Francisco.

2. Manage your expectations

Don't expect him to give you the same support he did when you were married - for instance, paying for your meals, looking after you when you're sick, or driving you around.

3. Never hook up

It'll just complicate the situation!

 

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