Keeping the sparks alive

As marriage experts, three couples say they too have to work hard at their marriage

If a person is having problems in his marriage, chances are he does not want to listen to an expert, who has never been married, tell him how to resolve the problems.

Families for Life council chairman Ching Wei Hong says couples who attend the non-profit organisation's marriage talks appreciate the insights of speakers who are married couples sharing their personal anecdotes.

At its convention last weekend, 11 out of 12 of the sessions were helmed by husband-and-wife teams.

At Focus on the Family Singa- pore, a pro-family charity, marriage preparatory and enrichment workshops are always conducted by a husband-and-wife pair.

Mrs Shelen Ang, Focus on the Family Singapore's head of research and development, says these couples are usually trained in counselling and psychology or have years of experience working with couples.

She and her husband, Mr Jason Ang, have been conducting marriage preparation and enrichment courses together at the charity for the last eight years.

She says:

"Married couples make things more real for other couples because they are able to share their own marriage experience. You can also get both the husband's and wife's perspectives on issues."

SundayLife! talks to three of these married couples-cum- marriage experts to find out if they practise what they preach.

leawee@sph.com.sg

Marriage time to discuss issues

Work control manager Thangasamy Padmanathan, 55 and Mrs Sarojini Padmanathan, 53, chief operating officer at Sinda, have been married for 28 years. They have three daughters aged 27, 25 and 22.

They have been attending marriage enrichment courses since 2009 and, for the last four years, have been sharing their marriage experience with the Tamil community at the annual marriage convention organised by Families for Life.

He says:

"In 2009, we decided to sign up for a marriage enrichment course. We were not having any major problems in our marriage, but when we learnt that even couples who have been married for 50 years were attending such courses, we were curious and wanted to find out what they were all about.

One thing we took away from the courses and incorporated into our married life was 'marriage time' or time specially set aside for the couple.

My wife and I were lucky that we have the habit of keeping in touch with each other every day, be it by telephone calls or text messages, no matter how busy we were, ever since we started dating.

But even then, we found the concept of 'marriage time' very useful.

Now, once every two weeks, on a Sunday, we spend about two to three hours with each other to talk about how our week has been and to discuss any issues that come up, ranging from my upcoming medical appointment to when we should go on a family cruise.

Our children know not to disturb us at this time. If it rains, we would have our 'marriage time' in our room at home. Otherwise, we may go for a walk in the park nearby or go for coffee or dinner at a cosy corner.

There are certain rules we have to stick to. For instance, no party should behave like he is the expert and there is no space for anger. Whoever violates these rules will be reminded by the other.

We also modified it to fit our needs. My wife suggested that we record the issues we discussed every week in a notebook so that we can look through the previous week's issues to ensure that they have been resolved before moving on.

We found that incorporating 'marriage time' into our lives has been really useful. Nowadays, we hardly quarrel and our bond has grown even stronger."

She says:

"I have been facilitating parenting talks for 22 years and, as part of that, I have been talking to married couples about how to have a good marriage.

As a role model, I am inspired to make my own marriage work.

The main challenge in my marriage came about 10 years after we were married, in 1997, when we ran into financial difficulties. We had little savings and spent almost everything that we earned. That was when our children were in childcare, my husband had just started his own business and I was an HR executive.

We had little time together. The only time we had was when he drove the children and me to childcare and my workplace on weekdays.

Initially, I didn't know how to manage the situation and I felt very lonely at times. I decided to turn to the resources I had, which taught me to take a long-term view of our marriage and to understand why he had to spend so much time at work at this point in time.

I learnt that I could support him by ensuring all's well at home, so that he could have peace of mind while he worked."

Taking turns to speak and listen

Lawyers Boaz Nazar, 48, and Claire Nazar, 43, have been married for 19 years. Their daughter is aged 17 and their son, 11. They are certified facilitators of a research- based divorce prevention and marriage enhancement programme called Prevention and Relationship Education (Prep) from the University of Denver in the United States.

She says:

"We started attending marriage enrichment workshops four years into our marriage, when we became first-time parents and faced challenges in effectively juggling the demands of work and taking care of our first-born.

One really useful technique is the speaker-listener technique in which each of us takes turns to be the speaker and listener.

There are certain rules to follow. The speaker can speak for herself only, using 'I' instead of 'You' statements. The listener has to paraphrase what the speaker is trying to say, but he is not allowed to offer his opinion until his turn to speak comes.

I find it useful because it slows down the conversation, which is essential especially when it is about emotionally charged topics. It prevents you from focusing on rebutting your partner's message to making sure that you understand his concerns.

Just last year, we had some issues about coaching our son in his studies. I was increasingly frustrated by what I perceived to be my husband's lack of interest and involvement in our son's academic performance.

For example, when our son was studying, he would sometimes mention a TV show or a video game and continue the

conversation, thereby interrupting our son's scheduled revision for that day. Sometimes, he would allow our son to take breaks even when it was not time to do so. We decided to set aside time to discuss the issue using the speaker-listener technique.

I learnt that my husband was more concerned that our son enjoyed the process of learning and felt that my task- oriented approach may have the opposite effect.

My husband learnt that I was more concerned about instilling values such as hard work and discipline through our son's studies.

In the end, we came to a compromise. I now make it a point to try to make the learning process as enjoyable as possible while I notice that my husband is more strict with our son and will not allow him to take breaks until he has completed a certain amount of his homework.

As with any technique, you need regular practice to get better at it. Of course, there are times when we forget to do so. So to remind ourselves, we have a magnet that spells out the speaker- listener technique on a card stuck on our fridge door. Every time we are at the fridge, we see the card and it reminds us to use the technique."

He says:

"A useful tip I picked up at our first workshop in 2000 was to set aside time to have fun, and time to discuss issues and areas of conflicts. It's something we still do today.

When we first got married, issues and conflicts tended to crowd out the 'fun times'. But I didn't get married to have issues with my wife. I got married because I am in love with her and enjoy her company.

Carving out these fun times allows me to continue to enjoy her company. So, once every few weeks, we would catch a movie, have a meal and, more recently, we also started jogging together.

Another useful idea I learnt from marriage enrichment workshops is to have a positive emotional bank account.

The positive feelings accumulated in this account helps to assuage the situation when we are angry with each other. It makes it easier to say sorry when I do or say something that hurts my wife.

It is something that I consciously work on every day. I make coffee for my wife, hold her hand, give her little hugs and laugh with her.

As a marriage facilitator, I do feel the pressure to have to walk the talk most of the time, but we both recognise that there will be days when we feel tired, for instance, due to the lack of sleep and we may over-react to situations.

One of the things that we have learnt from the workshops is to learn to apologise and forgive and to have a long- term perspective of our marriage."

This article was first published on April 5, 2015.
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